1
00:00:12,327 --> 00:00:16,035
[Lynch] That state of simplest
form of awareness alone,

2
00:00:16,118 --> 00:00:20,952
is worthy of seeing, hearing,
contemplating and realizing."

3
00:00:22,036 --> 00:00:24,078
From the Upanishads.

4
00:00:26,161 --> 00:00:29,037
-[indistinct conversations]
-[fireworks crackling]

5
00:01:26,668 --> 00:01:28,377
[Lotje panting]

6
00:01:31,001 --> 00:01:34,043
[Lotje mumbling indistinctly]

7
00:01:40,960 --> 00:01:43,294
[Lotje breathing heavily]

8
00:01:50,087 --> 00:01:51,504
[heavy thud]

9
00:02:23,090 --> 00:02:25,841
[Jan] That day, I was going
to meet my sister for lunch.

10
00:02:25,924 --> 00:02:29,924
I emailed her that morning,
just to confirm what time,

11
00:02:30,007 --> 00:02:32,341
and I didn't hear anything back.

12
00:02:33,842 --> 00:02:37,050
Thinking, "It's really strange
how Lotje hasn't got back to me."

13
00:02:37,133 --> 00:02:40,092
You know, because I had also texted,
"Are you okay?"

14
00:02:40,175 --> 00:02:45,218
Which is, like, quite a strong, um...
message.

15
00:02:45,301 --> 00:02:47,760
And I was sure that she would text back.

16
00:02:49,051 --> 00:02:51,385
[Ant] Usually, you know,
she comes into work every day.

17
00:02:51,468 --> 00:02:55,719
She didn't come in on the Monday,
and, uh, I thought it was a bit weird.

18
00:02:57,803 --> 00:03:01,052
[Barney] I, um, walked, like,
four, five minutes to where her flat was.

19
00:03:01,135 --> 00:03:03,845
And that's where Jan was with Ant,

20
00:03:03,928 --> 00:03:07,553
looking more and more confused
by what was going on.

21
00:03:08,720 --> 00:03:10,637
-[Jan] We tried to bang on the door...
-[loud knocking]

22
00:03:10,720 --> 00:03:13,513
...shout, but she wasn't responding.

23
00:03:13,596 --> 00:03:16,054
[Barney] I remember Jan
kind of calling out, "Lotje!"

24
00:03:19,929 --> 00:03:21,514
What was going through our minds was that

25
00:03:21,597 --> 00:03:24,013
there's only one reason why
she'd still be in her flat.

26
00:03:27,097 --> 00:03:30,222
[Jan] At that point,
I decided to call 999.

27
00:03:30,305 --> 00:03:31,640
[dog barking]

28
00:03:32,640 --> 00:03:36,972
The police arrived together
with the landlord, who had a key.

29
00:03:37,056 --> 00:03:39,014
[Ant] And there was this very strange
moment of, like,

30
00:03:39,098 --> 00:03:43,015
the police holding Jan back a bit, saying,
"Do you want us to go in first?"

31
00:03:43,099 --> 00:03:46,724
The guy who opened the door, not wanting
to be the first guy to go in there.

32
00:03:46,808 --> 00:03:50,140
It was all very strange.
And Jan just said, "I'm going in."

33
00:03:56,683 --> 00:04:01,184
[Jan] The flat just looked like
some serious chaos had happened.

34
00:04:01,267 --> 00:04:03,393
You know, I was like,
"Shit, where is she?"

35
00:04:03,476 --> 00:04:05,309
Everything was topsy-turvy.

36
00:04:05,393 --> 00:04:09,309
There was clothes everywhere,
there was vomit

37
00:04:09,393 --> 00:04:11,602
and excrement everywhere.

38
00:04:13,935 --> 00:04:17,560
The fact that she wasn't there
was sort of a relief.

39
00:04:18,352 --> 00:04:21,645
But then the next question was,
"Where is she?"

40
00:04:27,645 --> 00:04:32,145
[Hente] Lotje's always been quite good at
going somewhere, to adventures,

41
00:04:32,229 --> 00:04:34,729
and experiencing...
Going and seeing friends, so...

42
00:04:34,813 --> 00:04:37,978
I've had this throughout my life.

43
00:04:38,062 --> 00:04:40,522
"Where is Lotje?" has been a question.

44
00:04:40,605 --> 00:04:42,397
You know, you go to the supermarket

45
00:04:42,438 --> 00:04:46,480
and you pick something from the shelf,
"Where is Lotje?"

46
00:04:46,563 --> 00:04:48,856
[voice echoing] Where is Lotje?

47
00:04:48,939 --> 00:04:51,523
[machine beeps steadily]

48
00:04:58,022 --> 00:05:03,023
[Jan] Somebody at Royal London
fitted Lotje's description.

49
00:05:03,107 --> 00:05:06,732
They couldn't identify her,
because she wasn't able to speak.

50
00:05:06,816 --> 00:05:09,650
The police that I'd called
and the police at the Royal London

51
00:05:09,733 --> 00:05:13,358
managed to, sort of, work out
that this was my sister.

52
00:05:13,400 --> 00:05:15,733
[machine beeping steadily]

53
00:05:17,024 --> 00:05:20,192
[Andrew] To see a young patient
who is semi-conscious,

54
00:05:20,275 --> 00:05:24,734
who is actually becoming
more unconscious as time goes by,

55
00:05:24,818 --> 00:05:27,235
with the speed that she was deteriorating,

56
00:05:27,318 --> 00:05:29,110
really, you're faced with a situation

57
00:05:29,193 --> 00:05:33,735
where you have to decide
to act urgently and save a life.

58
00:05:34,610 --> 00:05:36,193
[Jan] We arrived at the hospital,

59
00:05:36,276 --> 00:05:40,403
where it was explained that Lotje
was undergoing some kind of

60
00:05:40,486 --> 00:05:44,069
very severe medical emergency
to her brain.

61
00:05:44,152 --> 00:05:47,737
And that she had
a very high probability of... of dying.

62
00:05:48,445 --> 00:05:51,278
She'd had an intracerebral
brain hemorrhage.

63
00:05:51,362 --> 00:05:55,153
My initial reaction about this
was that this was a very large blood clot

64
00:05:55,237 --> 00:05:57,571
and it was immediately life-threatening.

65
00:06:01,696 --> 00:06:05,113
I must say that a lot of these cases
are so severe

66
00:06:05,196 --> 00:06:10,114
that it isn't possible to intervene,
or if you do, you are unsuccessful.

67
00:06:14,406 --> 00:06:17,948
The surgery involved
an incision on the scalp,

68
00:06:18,031 --> 00:06:20,031
the removal of a small window of bone,

69
00:06:20,115 --> 00:06:21,740
approximately that size,

70
00:06:21,824 --> 00:06:24,698
just a small cut
through the brain substance itself

71
00:06:24,782 --> 00:06:26,408
to reveal the blood clot,

72
00:06:26,449 --> 00:06:29,616
and then to remove
as much of the blood clot as possible.

73
00:06:29,699 --> 00:06:31,866
Now, that doesn't necessarily mitigate

74
00:06:31,949 --> 00:06:34,699
the damage that's been done
by the bleed into the brain.

75
00:06:34,783 --> 00:06:38,200
That is damage that is done
and can't really be reversed.

76
00:06:39,492 --> 00:06:43,826
The commonest type of stroke
is actually an area of the brain

77
00:06:43,908 --> 00:06:47,951
that is starved of oxygen
and loses its blood supply.

78
00:06:48,034 --> 00:06:52,243
Lotje's type of stroke
is a bleed into the brain substance.

79
00:06:53,034 --> 00:06:56,577
Most of them are caused
by either an abnormal blood vessel

80
00:06:56,661 --> 00:07:00,952
that may be developmental,
it can be blood-clotting abnormalities,

81
00:07:01,035 --> 00:07:04,161
and there are a lot of rare things
that can cause it.

82
00:07:04,911 --> 00:07:07,537
There are still some tests to be done
later down the line,

83
00:07:07,620 --> 00:07:12,412
but at the moment, we don't have
a clear cause for why this happened.

84
00:07:12,453 --> 00:07:14,579
It may well be that we never find one,

85
00:07:14,663 --> 00:07:16,954
and it may well be
we never know the cause.

86
00:07:20,871 --> 00:07:24,205
[Jan] They kept her artificially asleep.

87
00:07:24,288 --> 00:07:28,247
It seemed that they had no idea
if they'd even be able to wake her up.

88
00:07:28,330 --> 00:07:31,955
Or if she woke up,
what her functions would be.

89
00:07:32,038 --> 00:07:33,790
So during that whole 24 hours,

90
00:07:33,873 --> 00:07:36,706
we literally had no idea
what the outcome would be.

91
00:08:13,210 --> 00:08:15,210
Okay.

92
00:08:15,293 --> 00:08:16,960
I'm alive.

93
00:08:18,335 --> 00:08:21,837
-Very bad at writing...
-[woman talking indistinctly]

94
00:08:23,753 --> 00:08:26,420
...but I'm not dead.

95
00:08:28,002 --> 00:08:30,420
That's a start.

96
00:08:30,461 --> 00:08:32,712
Very messed up...

97
00:08:32,796 --> 00:08:37,087
but definitely excited to be alive.

98
00:08:40,045 --> 00:08:43,046
[Jan] We came in about ten minutes
after she woke up.

99
00:08:43,921 --> 00:08:45,839
She did talk...

100
00:08:45,921 --> 00:08:48,422
but she was very confused.

101
00:08:48,921 --> 00:08:52,131
We're not sure what's gonna happen today.

102
00:08:52,214 --> 00:08:55,631
It's either gonna be a new...

103
00:08:56,673 --> 00:08:58,131
plate...

104
00:08:58,214 --> 00:09:01,173
place...
or something completely different.

105
00:09:01,257 --> 00:09:02,965
We're just not sure.

106
00:09:05,090 --> 00:09:07,590
[Lucy] I was really nervous seeing her.

107
00:09:07,674 --> 00:09:09,632
And Jan had kept saying how,

108
00:09:09,715 --> 00:09:14,758
you know, "It's very weird and she's...
she might not recognize you."

109
00:09:15,883 --> 00:09:18,883
[whispering] For the possibilities...

110
00:09:18,966 --> 00:09:22,426
for life and death.

111
00:09:22,467 --> 00:09:23,967
[Jan] The fact was, she was alive.

112
00:09:24,050 --> 00:09:26,300
Actually, that was the biggest,
I would say...

113
00:09:26,384 --> 00:09:29,718
"Look, she's alive. And she looks great."

114
00:09:31,218 --> 00:09:32,510
[therapist] Okay.

115
00:09:33,510 --> 00:09:34,552
Here.

116
00:09:34,635 --> 00:09:36,260
[indistinct conversation]

117
00:09:38,260 --> 00:09:40,302
[therapist] Right, here we are. Hmm?

118
00:09:41,094 --> 00:09:42,761
Okay.

119
00:09:42,845 --> 00:09:45,594
I want you to say some words
beginning with... [emphasizing "S"]

120
00:09:45,678 --> 00:09:48,386
-[emphasizing "S"]
-Yeah. [emphasizing "S"]

121
00:09:49,345 --> 00:09:51,387
You think you can do that?

122
00:09:51,429 --> 00:09:52,470
Um...

123
00:09:54,637 --> 00:09:58,555
So, it could be, um, "sound,"

124
00:09:58,638 --> 00:10:02,596
or "swing," or "sitting."

125
00:10:03,596 --> 00:10:06,888
So, it's starting from... now.

126
00:10:09,930 --> 00:10:12,139
[emphasizing "S"] Summer.

127
00:10:12,222 --> 00:10:13,930
-Mmm.
-Or did I already...?

128
00:10:14,972 --> 00:10:16,639
S... Okay.

129
00:10:19,181 --> 00:10:21,473
[emphasizing "S"] Seed.

130
00:10:23,723 --> 00:10:25,432
[emphasizing "S"]

131
00:10:26,807 --> 00:10:29,015
[chuckles, stammers] I get...

132
00:10:29,099 --> 00:10:30,349
I get too...

133
00:10:32,974 --> 00:10:34,433
[sobbing]

134
00:10:40,350 --> 00:10:43,434
[Jan] She wasn't able to do the tests
that they do for these situations.

135
00:10:43,517 --> 00:10:44,975
[therapist]
I know you're trying your best...

136
00:10:45,058 --> 00:10:47,934
[Jan] So it was becoming clear
that there was... more severe issues.

137
00:10:48,017 --> 00:10:49,810
But, I mean, not knowing...

138
00:10:49,893 --> 00:10:54,351
not understanding, really,
what those issues were.

139
00:11:11,437 --> 00:11:14,687
[Sophie] So why don't you just tell me...
what's happened?

140
00:11:14,770 --> 00:11:17,979
I was in a pretty normal,

141
00:11:18,062 --> 00:11:21,521
very busy, normal...

142
00:11:23,229 --> 00:11:25,980
[stammering] Kind of a clever person.

143
00:11:26,063 --> 00:11:29,439
And now, I'm starting from the beginning.

144
00:11:29,980 --> 00:11:31,938
[Sophie] What does it feel like?

145
00:11:33,105 --> 00:11:36,022
It's extremely strange,

146
00:11:36,106 --> 00:11:38,523
starting from nothing.

147
00:11:38,606 --> 00:11:40,481
It's like tripping out.

148
00:11:40,565 --> 00:11:42,523
[voice echoes]
I don't really know how to describe it.

149
00:11:42,606 --> 00:11:44,481
How do I say it? I can't...

150
00:11:44,565 --> 00:11:46,065
[stammering]

151
00:11:47,649 --> 00:11:50,441
This normal world...

152
00:11:50,482 --> 00:11:53,357
[stammers] Normality.

153
00:11:53,441 --> 00:11:54,566
I'm very, sort of...

154
00:11:54,649 --> 00:11:56,733
[echoing]
Bizarre is a way to describe it...

155
00:11:56,817 --> 00:11:58,859
It's difficult to... [clicks tongue]

156
00:11:59,692 --> 00:12:02,983
Uh, I guess I'm not making much sense.

157
00:12:03,066 --> 00:12:04,275
Sorry.

158
00:12:04,358 --> 00:12:06,443
I wish I could...

159
00:12:06,484 --> 00:12:07,693
Yeah.

160
00:12:07,776 --> 00:12:09,526
I'll try.

161
00:12:12,984 --> 00:12:15,152
[Sophie] What about these photographs?
Do you...

162
00:12:15,235 --> 00:12:16,318
-[Lotje] Pictures?
-[Sophie] Yeah.

163
00:12:16,402 --> 00:12:18,819
Matilda is, um, my...

164
00:12:20,277 --> 00:12:21,485
Is...

165
00:12:22,610 --> 00:12:23,652
[sighs]

166
00:12:25,695 --> 00:12:26,944
My...

167
00:12:29,194 --> 00:12:30,611
She's...

168
00:12:34,237 --> 00:12:36,154
[sighs] I can't...

169
00:12:37,487 --> 00:12:39,863
My... nephew.

170
00:12:39,945 --> 00:12:42,529
-Yeah, my nephew.
-[Sophie] She's your nephew?

171
00:12:42,612 --> 00:12:43,946
Yes, nephew.

172
00:12:44,029 --> 00:12:47,238
And now, she's also a...

173
00:12:48,363 --> 00:12:51,155
A nephew? Neef... Niece.

174
00:12:51,238 --> 00:12:53,239
I meant, "niece."

175
00:12:53,947 --> 00:12:57,698
For some reason,
I can't say the actual word itself.

176
00:12:57,781 --> 00:12:59,114
This word.

177
00:13:00,197 --> 00:13:02,448
-[Sophie] On that shelf?
-Yeah.

178
00:13:02,531 --> 00:13:05,157
-[Sophie] A record.
-Record, yeah.

179
00:13:06,240 --> 00:13:08,282
Exactly, so...

180
00:13:08,365 --> 00:13:11,657
for some reason, I can say...

181
00:13:15,408 --> 00:13:16,658
You say it again.

182
00:13:16,741 --> 00:13:18,450
-[Sophie] Record.
-Record.

183
00:13:19,949 --> 00:13:21,199
Record.

184
00:13:22,576 --> 00:13:25,950
I can only say it if I don't actually...
If I go like that...

185
00:13:26,701 --> 00:13:30,200
-then I can say the word "record."
-[voice echoes] Record.

186
00:13:30,284 --> 00:13:31,451
But not...

187
00:13:32,410 --> 00:13:33,869
[voices echoing]

188
00:13:38,076 --> 00:13:39,452
You say it again.

189
00:13:39,493 --> 00:13:41,870
-[Sophie] Record.
-Record, yeah.

190
00:13:41,952 --> 00:13:43,453
Record.

191
00:13:43,536 --> 00:13:44,870
I can't...

192
00:13:46,453 --> 00:13:49,369
-[pen writing]
-I can't say it now. But I can't...

193
00:13:53,871 --> 00:13:55,078
Um...

194
00:13:56,036 --> 00:13:59,287
You know, I can't speak or...

195
00:13:59,370 --> 00:14:00,537
No, not speak.

196
00:14:00,620 --> 00:14:01,746
I can't...

197
00:14:03,413 --> 00:14:04,455
be clever. [chuckles]

198
00:14:04,538 --> 00:14:06,121
-[pen writing]
-What do you call it? Um...

199
00:14:06,204 --> 00:14:09,037
-[Sophie] Write?
-Yeah, write.

200
00:14:09,121 --> 00:14:11,706
I can't write at all.

201
00:14:11,789 --> 00:14:14,873
Or be clever or be normal.
Any of that.

202
00:14:14,955 --> 00:14:18,539
It's... it's beyond terrifying.

203
00:14:22,123 --> 00:14:24,582
This could read "tale."
Not "tale."

204
00:14:26,790 --> 00:14:28,707
-[Lotje] What does that say? It's "the"?
-[Sophie] Yeah.

205
00:14:28,790 --> 00:14:29,916
[Lotje] Oh, yeah, "the."

206
00:14:29,999 --> 00:14:31,416
-[Lotje] Does that say "the"?
-[Sophie] Yeah.

207
00:14:31,458 --> 00:14:33,957
I've written "the" before.

208
00:14:34,040 --> 00:14:35,458
[voice echoing]

209
00:14:36,458 --> 00:14:40,667
I didn't think I would have trouble
with the word "the."

210
00:14:41,834 --> 00:14:45,500
A-B-C-D-E-F-G...

211
00:14:46,459 --> 00:14:48,417
[Lotje speaking indistinctly]

212
00:14:51,751 --> 00:14:52,793
No?

213
00:14:53,918 --> 00:14:57,293
-Two?
-[grunts]

214
00:14:57,418 --> 00:15:01,461
[Lotje] This isn't in my
correct dictionary, in my brain.

215
00:15:01,502 --> 00:15:03,002
Stew. [chuckles]

216
00:15:04,043 --> 00:15:05,627
Where did that come from?

217
00:15:05,711 --> 00:15:08,169
-[voice echoes indistinctly]
-My date of birth...

218
00:15:08,252 --> 00:15:09,837
and I wrote it wrong.

219
00:15:09,920 --> 00:15:11,837
Happy... Argh!

220
00:15:13,211 --> 00:15:15,795
Okay, something's not right, here, today.

221
00:15:15,879 --> 00:15:18,128
"Help." [chuckles]

222
00:15:18,211 --> 00:15:22,713
That must have been the first wrote
I wrote other than "hi."

223
00:15:22,796 --> 00:15:24,546
The green one is...

224
00:15:26,463 --> 00:15:28,755
on top of the blue one.

225
00:15:28,839 --> 00:15:31,422
-Correct?
-No.

226
00:15:34,630 --> 00:15:39,756
[Lotje] I can't believe I...
can look at, uh, some words...

227
00:15:39,840 --> 00:15:44,756
-[repeating] Pen. Pen. Pen.
-You know, a book or Internet...

228
00:15:45,756 --> 00:15:51,174
an Internet page,
or someone's written to me an email,

229
00:15:51,257 --> 00:15:55,757
-and I don't see what it says.
-[Lotje speaks indistinctly]

230
00:15:55,841 --> 00:15:57,884
I know what it says.

231
00:15:57,966 --> 00:16:01,842
But it's all-round
complete gobbledygook.

232
00:16:01,925 --> 00:16:03,717
And I can't believe that.

233
00:16:03,800 --> 00:16:05,550
[voice echoing]

234
00:16:05,633 --> 00:16:07,134
[stammering]

235
00:16:07,217 --> 00:16:11,176
I refuse to believe that I...
that's happening.

236
00:16:14,759 --> 00:16:19,177
[Jan] She was an extremely dynamic,
extremely social,

237
00:16:19,260 --> 00:16:21,635
very impassioned individual.

238
00:16:22,844 --> 00:16:26,969
[Ant] She had a really, really tough job,
had to be very, very organized.

239
00:16:27,052 --> 00:16:30,261
Multitasking, loads of things going on
at the same time.

240
00:16:30,344 --> 00:16:32,428
[Anita] That was her existence.

241
00:16:32,470 --> 00:16:37,012
Communication, writing films,
writing in general and reading.

242
00:16:37,095 --> 00:16:40,137
You know, Lotje was always reading,
like, these really thick books.

243
00:16:42,095 --> 00:16:44,387
[Lucy] She's the most articulate person.

244
00:16:45,179 --> 00:16:47,763
So, yeah, it's kind of... [chuckles]

245
00:16:47,847 --> 00:16:52,346
...it's almost obscene
that this part, um...

246
00:16:53,472 --> 00:16:55,347
it's affected that part of her brain.

247
00:16:55,431 --> 00:16:57,972
[woman] So, today.
It starts today, your holiday.

248
00:16:58,055 --> 00:17:00,764
[Jan]
I think it's probably very alienating.

249
00:17:00,848 --> 00:17:04,139
She can't interact
in the same way with people.

250
00:17:04,222 --> 00:17:06,182
She gets fatigued very easily.

251
00:17:06,265 --> 00:17:09,223
Mathematical function
seems to be impaired.

252
00:17:09,307 --> 00:17:12,015
Which is something that
hasn't actually been addressed, really,

253
00:17:12,098 --> 00:17:14,766
at all, up to this stage,
but I've noticed it.

254
00:17:14,850 --> 00:17:18,933
You know, that kind of logistics,
I don't know the technical terms for it,

255
00:17:19,016 --> 00:17:22,183
but, you know, these, sort of
logical things that we take for granted.

256
00:17:24,057 --> 00:17:26,476
A concern I have at this stage is,

257
00:17:26,517 --> 00:17:29,642
because she's so ambitious
and so energetic,

258
00:17:29,726 --> 00:17:32,058
that she puts too much
pressure on herself.

259
00:17:32,142 --> 00:17:35,059
And that pressure ultimately
leads to a situation

260
00:17:35,143 --> 00:17:39,894
where, you know,
she gets meltdown, basically.

261
00:17:43,686 --> 00:17:47,478
[Lotje] If I'm faced with the question,
"Who am I?"

262
00:17:47,561 --> 00:17:51,561
I'm someone who has a huge
amount of friends,

263
00:17:51,644 --> 00:17:53,562
very hard-working,

264
00:17:53,645 --> 00:17:57,312
travels all over the world,
loves to read.

265
00:17:58,562 --> 00:18:01,896
What if all of that evidence is removed?

266
00:18:04,480 --> 00:18:06,979
What does that make me?

267
00:18:13,063 --> 00:18:18,189
Something's happened to my vision,
which nobody's really explained to me yet.

268
00:18:19,481 --> 00:18:24,482
Pretty normal on the left,
as long as I just keep it on the left.

269
00:18:24,565 --> 00:18:29,148
If I go on the right side,
it's like a whole nother dimension.

270
00:18:34,858 --> 00:18:39,441
[voice echoing] Vision to
an internal space, an inner world.

271
00:18:43,942 --> 00:18:47,692
It's a heightened sense of reality.

272
00:18:47,775 --> 00:18:52,776
I don't know, it becomes
a sort of euphoric notion.

273
00:18:59,984 --> 00:19:01,944
Whether it's my brain or reality,

274
00:19:02,027 --> 00:19:08,068
I can experience colors and sounds
like I wasn't able to before.

275
00:19:10,360 --> 00:19:13,904
-It sounds like a very loud sound.
-[loud noises]

276
00:19:13,986 --> 00:19:16,236
[people talking loudly]

277
00:19:16,320 --> 00:19:17,904
[siren blaring]

278
00:19:17,986 --> 00:19:22,446
So intensified, so exaggerated.

279
00:19:26,362 --> 00:19:29,696
Everything becomes a momentary experience.

280
00:19:30,780 --> 00:19:33,906
Time has a new meaning.

281
00:19:33,988 --> 00:19:38,280
It's all elongated and transient.

282
00:19:40,615 --> 00:19:42,740
You are in this new,

283
00:19:42,823 --> 00:19:46,740
devastating and extremely scary world

284
00:19:46,823 --> 00:19:50,365
that's all yours, by yourself.

285
00:19:58,866 --> 00:20:02,700
[Barney] To find yourself in this world
where... everything's altered,

286
00:20:02,783 --> 00:20:05,241
it's such a...
such a very strange process,

287
00:20:05,325 --> 00:20:08,910
because as far as we can see,
nothing's changed.

288
00:20:08,992 --> 00:20:11,701
Yet it's all changed for her.

289
00:20:20,744 --> 00:20:25,243
[Lotje] Last time I was in my...
my former home, um,

290
00:20:25,327 --> 00:20:28,369
it was an extremely disturbing experience.

291
00:20:30,203 --> 00:20:32,578
-[man] You okay?
-Yeah.

292
00:20:35,203 --> 00:20:36,244
Oh...

293
00:20:37,161 --> 00:20:38,412
Okay.

294
00:20:38,913 --> 00:20:40,579
[exhales]

295
00:20:40,662 --> 00:20:42,287
I can do it...

296
00:20:42,370 --> 00:20:44,995
It is that one. No, this one.

297
00:20:50,330 --> 00:20:53,497
I don't know if I can do it.
I haven't tried it.

298
00:20:53,538 --> 00:20:55,914
-[man] Must be the other one.
-This one?

299
00:20:55,996 --> 00:20:57,079
[man] Mmm-hmm.

300
00:21:02,289 --> 00:21:03,331
There.

301
00:21:10,874 --> 00:21:12,624
Oh, this is so weird!

302
00:21:16,833 --> 00:21:19,374
[Lotje] That's okay. [sighs]

303
00:21:20,833 --> 00:21:22,875
It's like a dream.

304
00:21:23,583 --> 00:21:26,626
Somebody did a very good job tidying.

305
00:21:27,501 --> 00:21:33,792
It's like, um, something that I've, um...
changed completely.

306
00:21:34,918 --> 00:21:36,585
If you see what I mean.

307
00:21:36,668 --> 00:21:40,376
Ugh, I feel so pukey.
Do you feel...

308
00:21:45,335 --> 00:21:48,377
I just remember trying to survive
and I don't even know.

309
00:21:48,461 --> 00:21:53,961
I just... I do actually remember
giving up and not caring.

310
00:21:54,044 --> 00:21:55,545
And not... [stammering]

311
00:21:55,629 --> 00:21:57,921
I just was, like, in a terrible state,

312
00:21:58,003 --> 00:22:00,587
and I didn't know
how I could get out of it.

313
00:22:01,837 --> 00:22:06,546
You're in this weird...
like, weird, parallel-trip thing,

314
00:22:06,630 --> 00:22:09,505
so you can't... you can't say...

315
00:22:09,546 --> 00:22:13,630
You're trying to explain
why you can't make a phone call

316
00:22:13,713 --> 00:22:17,380
or put some clothes on and sort...
get out of here.

317
00:22:17,464 --> 00:22:19,923
You just remember this weird,
bizarre thing

318
00:22:20,005 --> 00:22:22,464
that just got worse and worse
into this nightmare.

319
00:22:22,506 --> 00:22:25,590
And then I remember crying,
which I never cry,

320
00:22:25,673 --> 00:22:29,006
but being really, really upset,

321
00:22:29,089 --> 00:22:34,216
but not being able to figure out why
and how or any of that.

322
00:22:34,299 --> 00:22:38,966
I just got more and more upset,
more sick, more ill,

323
00:22:39,049 --> 00:22:42,633
and more, like, into this nightmare.

324
00:22:44,008 --> 00:22:48,592
[Lucy] I hated the idea that
she'd gone through this all by herself...

325
00:22:48,675 --> 00:22:53,509
[sighs] ...and just lay down in her bed
and, like, was ready to die.

326
00:22:53,550 --> 00:22:56,510
And then something got her up.

327
00:22:56,551 --> 00:22:59,426
And she did it. She got up. And...

328
00:23:00,510 --> 00:23:02,551
you know, that's how...

329
00:23:02,635 --> 00:23:06,219
That's why she gets up every day

330
00:23:06,302 --> 00:23:11,552
and bumps into a wall
and is reminded of what's going on.

331
00:23:11,636 --> 00:23:14,678
But she just... she does it,
and she keeps going.

332
00:23:21,094 --> 00:23:23,054
[speaking indistinctly]

333
00:23:23,137 --> 00:23:27,804
[Lotje] I haven't lived with my mother
since I was 18.

334
00:23:28,638 --> 00:23:31,721
So, now I'm twent... [stammers]

335
00:23:33,222 --> 00:23:34,931
Thirty...

336
00:23:36,430 --> 00:23:37,972
four.

337
00:23:39,096 --> 00:23:42,640
So... [chuckling] 34 years old.

338
00:23:43,389 --> 00:23:45,932
Now, we live together.

339
00:23:47,848 --> 00:23:51,891
[Hente] I mean, I've never thought much
about the brain before, at all.

340
00:23:51,974 --> 00:23:54,766
I mean, this is called
"acquired brain injury,"

341
00:23:54,849 --> 00:23:58,265
but it's an acquired new world
at the same time.

342
00:23:59,265 --> 00:24:01,307
It's very difficult
for anybody to understand,

343
00:24:01,390 --> 00:24:04,558
for her friends and for anybody
around her, because...

344
00:24:04,642 --> 00:24:07,391
She says it herself,
she said the other day, she said,

345
00:24:07,475 --> 00:24:09,850
"I feel like a baby,
but, you know, I'm a grown-up,

346
00:24:09,934 --> 00:24:12,059
and it's the two things at the same time.

347
00:24:12,893 --> 00:24:16,351
You know, I need to nurture my body
and I need to have a rhythm in the day.

348
00:24:16,434 --> 00:24:20,351
And, you know, just like a child.
Otherwise, I can't function at all."

349
00:24:20,434 --> 00:24:24,018
On the other hand, you know,
everything's there already. Um...

350
00:24:24,101 --> 00:24:27,810
It's very, very difficult to understand.

351
00:24:29,602 --> 00:24:34,561
[Lotje] I can keep thoughts and ideas
and thought process...

352
00:24:34,645 --> 00:24:38,353
[stammering]
...that are partially finished

353
00:24:38,436 --> 00:24:41,020
and partially need to keep going,

354
00:24:41,103 --> 00:24:42,521
but they disappear.

355
00:24:43,145 --> 00:24:46,187
So, when I can start to be able to write,

356
00:24:46,270 --> 00:24:49,771
I thought, "Instead of having them
disappear into thin air,

357
00:24:49,855 --> 00:24:53,396
which is horrible,
I'll try to write them."

358
00:24:55,438 --> 00:24:56,772
Vi... No.

359
00:24:58,104 --> 00:24:59,271
Va...

360
00:24:59,856 --> 00:25:04,523
[Lotje chuckles] The problem is,
of course, is that I can't spell, so...

361
00:25:04,564 --> 00:25:06,981
I don't know if that's the real word.

362
00:25:07,898 --> 00:25:10,565
[voice echoing] Isola...

363
00:25:10,649 --> 00:25:12,690
Isolation...

364
00:25:14,148 --> 00:25:19,149
I dream mixed up dreams of the stroke.

365
00:25:19,233 --> 00:25:22,483
The clock strikes.

366
00:25:22,525 --> 00:25:25,358
The stroke of the clock.

367
00:25:25,441 --> 00:25:28,149
And then, creepy mice.

368
00:25:29,317 --> 00:25:35,025
Your dreams have a real new kind of
realness to them,

369
00:25:35,108 --> 00:25:37,984
but before, they were just strange.

370
00:25:38,067 --> 00:25:41,652
And you kind of
get confused between, um...

371
00:25:41,735 --> 00:25:45,026
what's real and what's in your head.

372
00:25:48,819 --> 00:25:50,444
Keep looking at my eye.

373
00:25:50,528 --> 00:25:53,528
I'm going to bring this little target in
from the outside.

374
00:25:53,569 --> 00:25:55,444
Just say "yes" when you see it
coming into view.

375
00:25:58,445 --> 00:25:59,570
Now.

376
00:26:03,111 --> 00:26:04,111
Now.

377
00:26:05,779 --> 00:26:06,779
Now.

378
00:26:08,780 --> 00:26:10,404
Now.

379
00:26:10,488 --> 00:26:13,363
Now. Now. Now.

380
00:26:13,446 --> 00:26:14,446
All right.

381
00:26:14,530 --> 00:26:16,863
You see how much better
the field is on this side

382
00:26:16,947 --> 00:26:18,322
compared to this side.

383
00:26:18,405 --> 00:26:20,531
-[echoing] When you had your injury...
-[Lotje] Yeah.

384
00:26:20,614 --> 00:26:23,656
...then that affected just one part...

385
00:26:23,739 --> 00:26:26,697
[distorting, echoing]
...on the same part of space in each eye.

386
00:26:26,782 --> 00:26:27,907
-Okay.
-Okay?

387
00:26:27,990 --> 00:26:29,990
[indistinct echoing]

388
00:26:30,865 --> 00:26:31,907
Okay.

389
00:26:33,114 --> 00:26:36,866
I'm sort of looking around
to who this person's talking to.

390
00:26:36,950 --> 00:26:39,741
I don't know who they're referring...

391
00:26:39,824 --> 00:26:41,074
what, who they're referring to.

392
00:26:41,157 --> 00:26:46,200
And I don't know, um...
how to respond to what they're saying.

393
00:26:46,283 --> 00:26:48,242
It'll take half an hour to work.

394
00:27:02,618 --> 00:27:05,869
[Sophie] I wanted to ask you
why you wanted to film this.

395
00:27:05,953 --> 00:27:08,244
Why did you get in touch with me?

396
00:27:08,327 --> 00:27:12,869
A lot of people in your situation would
just be thinking about their recovery.

397
00:27:12,953 --> 00:27:15,620
I'm rec... I'm obsessed
with recording everything

398
00:27:15,703 --> 00:27:19,578
and I'm unable to remember anything.

399
00:27:19,662 --> 00:27:20,745
So, it's like...

400
00:27:20,828 --> 00:27:25,162
I think it's part of the brain
has become unable to...

401
00:27:25,246 --> 00:27:26,287
um...

402
00:27:27,371 --> 00:27:28,496
remember things.

403
00:27:28,538 --> 00:27:30,454
You've become obsessed
with recording it...

404
00:27:30,538 --> 00:27:32,204
-Mmm.
-...'cause you're just terrified

405
00:27:32,287 --> 00:27:34,120
-that it's gonna get lost.
-Mmm.

406
00:27:35,372 --> 00:27:39,789
[Lotje] In order to, uh, make sense of it,
I want to record it.

407
00:27:43,080 --> 00:27:48,206
There is a hilariously, kind of,
surreal reality to it.

408
00:27:48,289 --> 00:27:50,248
It's surreal-it's surreal.

409
00:27:50,331 --> 00:27:54,457
And um, I don't know
if it's your neurological...

410
00:27:55,040 --> 00:27:56,040
I don't know.

411
00:27:56,123 --> 00:27:57,582
It's not me, it's...

412
00:27:57,666 --> 00:28:00,541
That's what happened.
That's what it feels like.

413
00:28:00,624 --> 00:28:02,082
It's like, um...

414
00:28:03,123 --> 00:28:06,333
You know, you think about, um...

415
00:28:07,792 --> 00:28:10,750
You know,
you think about David Lynch and...

416
00:28:10,833 --> 00:28:12,166
[chuckles] ...things like that a lot.

417
00:28:12,250 --> 00:28:13,918
[hands rubbing]

418
00:28:17,960 --> 00:28:21,709
[Lotje] It's like being in the Red Room
in Twin Peaks.

419
00:28:22,543 --> 00:28:25,835
I've been having imaginary conversations
with him in my head.

420
00:28:30,627 --> 00:28:32,293
[soft music playing]

421
00:28:34,878 --> 00:28:38,545
[Lotje] Dear Mr. Lynch:
My name's Lotje Sodderland,

422
00:28:38,586 --> 00:28:42,336
and I live in Hackney, in London.

423
00:28:42,420 --> 00:28:46,420
Two months ago,
I had an intracerebral...

424
00:28:46,504 --> 00:28:48,587
[stammering] ...hemorrhage

425
00:28:48,671 --> 00:28:53,713
and lost the use of my
reading and writing,

426
00:28:53,797 --> 00:28:57,255
which is why I'm sending you
a video message.

427
00:28:58,213 --> 00:29:01,380
It's like a dimen... a new dimension.

428
00:29:01,463 --> 00:29:04,256
It's an exquisite, painful...

429
00:29:04,339 --> 00:29:08,881
sometimes, like a nightmare place

430
00:29:08,965 --> 00:29:10,631
inside my head.

431
00:29:10,714 --> 00:29:14,257
But it's also somewhere where I can...

432
00:29:15,382 --> 00:29:21,633
get completely lost inside this beautiful

433
00:29:21,716 --> 00:29:28,091
and extraor... extraordinary new place
that I've myself discovered,

434
00:29:28,174 --> 00:29:31,425
where my brain once was.

435
00:29:31,509 --> 00:29:35,634
So I'd love to share it with you,
'cause I think you're gonna like it.

436
00:29:46,343 --> 00:29:50,134
I'm going on a fun trip.
With my bag.

437
00:29:50,219 --> 00:29:54,011
I only found out three days ago
that I was gonna go there.

438
00:29:54,094 --> 00:29:59,553
This might be very, very difficult
for me to actually do properly.

439
00:29:59,594 --> 00:30:03,220
I can't process the, um...
[stammering] ...the concept,

440
00:30:03,303 --> 00:30:07,178
the reality of going to live
as an inpatient

441
00:30:07,262 --> 00:30:10,846
in a neurological... place.

442
00:30:11,930 --> 00:30:13,221
Hospital.

443
00:30:13,304 --> 00:30:15,972
Full of ill people like me.

444
00:30:17,596 --> 00:30:21,597
Just to imagine that I'm with a friend,

445
00:30:21,681 --> 00:30:24,389
going somewhere fun,
like it would be before.

446
00:30:24,472 --> 00:30:27,055
And maybe it will be after.

447
00:30:27,138 --> 00:30:31,306
And that there's gonna be some
very serious moments...

448
00:30:31,390 --> 00:30:32,890
[chuckling] ...inside it.

449
00:30:32,974 --> 00:30:35,223
But there's no point
in me trying to imagine them,

450
00:30:35,306 --> 00:30:39,016
because my brain doesn't have
the capacity to compute.

451
00:30:39,099 --> 00:30:41,808
So, to compute something...

452
00:30:41,891 --> 00:30:44,474
to anything like that is stupid,

453
00:30:44,558 --> 00:30:49,141
is pointless, is stressful
and counterproductive.

454
00:30:50,433 --> 00:30:52,058
-[clicks tongue]
-[Sophie] Okay.

455
00:30:59,810 --> 00:31:02,518
[Lotje] So, are you ready
for the final countdown?

456
00:31:03,518 --> 00:31:08,269
I'm ready, but the question
more importantly is, are you ready?

457
00:31:08,352 --> 00:31:13,852
Well, I've got no sense of space and time,
so it's fine for me.

458
00:31:13,936 --> 00:31:15,894
[both chuckling]

459
00:31:15,978 --> 00:31:17,687
[Jan] We have a very close relationship.

460
00:31:18,186 --> 00:31:22,103
We've had a very tumultuous life
and we've shared quite a lot of that,

461
00:31:22,186 --> 00:31:24,436
so I think that's why we're quite close.

462
00:31:25,478 --> 00:31:27,604
[Lotje] Our parents weren't together.

463
00:31:27,688 --> 00:31:29,479
So I was brought up by my mum.

464
00:31:30,271 --> 00:31:34,062
And our childhood was
an unconventional adventure.

465
00:31:35,437 --> 00:31:38,230
But I always knew I could
depend on Jan for anything.

466
00:31:39,814 --> 00:31:42,230
I wonder if I'll be allowed outside.

467
00:31:42,313 --> 00:31:44,022
What do you think?

468
00:31:44,105 --> 00:31:47,064
I think they don't tend to, uh, put...

469
00:31:47,147 --> 00:31:50,064
let people outside from the secure unit.

470
00:31:50,147 --> 00:31:51,189
[Lotje chuckling]

471
00:31:51,273 --> 00:31:54,439
[Lotje] He has a great sense of humor.

472
00:31:54,523 --> 00:31:57,566
That makes an enormous difference.
And he'll always be like that.

473
00:31:57,607 --> 00:31:59,440
He's been like that since the beginning.

474
00:31:59,524 --> 00:32:02,983
Even in the hospital, he'll be funny
and he'll make me laugh.

475
00:32:03,065 --> 00:32:05,942
Even if I can't even laugh myself.

476
00:32:06,025 --> 00:32:08,984
If I still smoked cigarettes,
I'd be allowed out.

477
00:32:09,066 --> 00:32:10,525
I don't know if they would.

478
00:32:10,567 --> 00:32:15,400
I think you might be tied down
until you'd given up smoking.

479
00:32:15,483 --> 00:32:19,651
-How do you get out, though, and in?
-I'll show you.

480
00:32:22,276 --> 00:32:24,693
[Lotje] About to be admitted.

481
00:32:24,776 --> 00:32:29,527
You're going to say goodbye to the world,
especially me, 'cause I'm not coming out.

482
00:32:29,569 --> 00:32:33,318
Maybe I'll be an impre...
improved specimen.

483
00:32:49,487 --> 00:32:51,112
[patient moaning]

484
00:32:54,738 --> 00:32:57,697
[indistinct conversations]

485
00:33:03,530 --> 00:33:06,698
[loud, repetitive machine noise]

486
00:33:11,906 --> 00:33:13,991
[indistinct conversations]

487
00:33:19,532 --> 00:33:21,323
[chatter continues]

488
00:33:26,783 --> 00:33:28,324
[whispers] I'm really...

489
00:33:29,908 --> 00:33:31,700
[door closing]

490
00:33:35,075 --> 00:33:36,909
Hey, Sophie.

491
00:33:37,867 --> 00:33:39,576
Quick hello from the loo.

492
00:33:41,701 --> 00:33:44,577
Trying to go back to being in hospital...

493
00:33:46,035 --> 00:33:49,285
after being away for almost two months.

494
00:33:50,451 --> 00:33:51,868
Um...

495
00:33:51,952 --> 00:33:57,411
Trying to get around the psychology
of being a patient...

496
00:33:57,494 --> 00:33:59,202
and being reduced...

497
00:34:01,119 --> 00:34:06,912
to be equal with everybody else
who's in there with me.

498
00:34:08,662 --> 00:34:10,662
I'm feeling very fortunate.

499
00:34:12,121 --> 00:34:17,329
Um, I'll send you a picture of dinner,
which was at 5:30 p.m.

500
00:34:18,413 --> 00:34:21,246
I'm going to bed in just under an hour.

501
00:34:22,289 --> 00:34:23,831
Have a great evening.

502
00:34:25,039 --> 00:34:27,205
[loud, indistinct conversations]

503
00:34:36,665 --> 00:34:38,415
[swallows]

504
00:34:38,498 --> 00:34:40,373
[whispering] 1:00 a.m.

505
00:34:41,041 --> 00:34:42,165
[banging]

506
00:34:45,207 --> 00:34:47,708
[Lotje whispering]
Night-time sounds at the hospital...

507
00:34:48,624 --> 00:34:52,584
-remind me of when I first woke up.
-[loud, indistinct conversations]

508
00:34:54,584 --> 00:34:58,542
And it felt like nobody could hear me
and I was invisible.

509
00:34:59,542 --> 00:35:01,376
How terrifying that is.

510
00:35:06,585 --> 00:35:09,209
Not sure that this is a good idea,
but the...

511
00:35:10,794 --> 00:35:15,252
but the silence in the head
doesn't exist here.

512
00:35:27,253 --> 00:35:28,753
Time to get up.

513
00:35:40,672 --> 00:35:43,589
[Rebecca] It can happen to you,
it could happen to me.

514
00:35:43,630 --> 00:35:47,922
It seems to be fairly indiscriminate

515
00:35:48,006 --> 00:35:52,048
and that's quite a reality to behold,
I think.

516
00:35:52,131 --> 00:35:56,798
Point to your forearm,
then your shoulders.

517
00:35:58,214 --> 00:36:00,716
-Forearm, then my shoulders?
-Mmm-hmm.

518
00:36:06,173 --> 00:36:07,382
Mmm...

519
00:36:08,300 --> 00:36:09,675
shoulders...

520
00:36:15,383 --> 00:36:16,592
Close.

521
00:36:18,259 --> 00:36:19,801
-Shoulders.
-Mmm-hmm.

522
00:36:19,884 --> 00:36:21,968
[Rebecca] It's hugely confrontational,

523
00:36:22,051 --> 00:36:27,719
because unless you challenge
what someone can't do...

524
00:36:29,011 --> 00:36:30,927
you won't improve it.

525
00:36:31,011 --> 00:36:35,552
[whispering] This is where I learn
about the outer reaches...

526
00:36:37,469 --> 00:36:41,511
of human vulnerability...

527
00:36:45,094 --> 00:36:46,553
and strength...

528
00:36:48,095 --> 00:36:52,596
and what a person,
what a human is made from.

529
00:36:54,137 --> 00:36:57,221
What it's made from inside.

530
00:36:59,014 --> 00:37:05,513
[Rebecca] Lotje has aphasia,
which is an impairment of language.

531
00:37:06,639 --> 00:37:09,015
She has this difficulty sequencing,

532
00:37:09,097 --> 00:37:12,681
sifting information,
knowing what's the most important thing.

533
00:37:12,764 --> 00:37:13,848
Where were you?

534
00:37:14,389 --> 00:37:16,807
I was, um...

535
00:37:18,265 --> 00:37:20,140
in intensive care.

536
00:37:21,181 --> 00:37:26,099
-And it seemed like... night-time.
-Mmm-hmm.

537
00:37:29,433 --> 00:37:30,600
And...

538
00:37:33,975 --> 00:37:36,392
my brother was there and my mum.

539
00:37:37,892 --> 00:37:42,225
I didn't understand
why I wasn't able to talk to them.

540
00:37:44,059 --> 00:37:47,351
And I guess that's just the beginning...
that's the beginning.

541
00:37:47,435 --> 00:37:49,101
[keyboard clacking]

542
00:37:56,061 --> 00:37:59,061
[sobbing] I haven't slept very well.

543
00:38:03,978 --> 00:38:06,520
They, uh... [chuckles]

544
00:38:06,604 --> 00:38:07,979
This is gonna take forever.

545
00:38:08,062 --> 00:38:09,812
No, it's okay that it does.

546
00:38:10,812 --> 00:38:12,437
It takes as long as it takes.

547
00:38:15,855 --> 00:38:18,022
[breath quavering]

548
00:38:18,104 --> 00:38:19,771
[voices echoing]

549
00:38:21,896 --> 00:38:24,939
[Lotje] Getting really difficult to be...

550
00:38:25,023 --> 00:38:27,064
other people's properly...

551
00:38:27,147 --> 00:38:29,772
Property. [clears throat]

552
00:38:29,856 --> 00:38:34,648
People taking over my plans, my life.

553
00:38:34,732 --> 00:38:38,565
-Doctors telling me...
-[indistinct echoing chatter]

554
00:38:38,607 --> 00:38:40,857
...things that I don't understand.

555
00:38:43,524 --> 00:38:46,107
But still being
at that stage in life where...

556
00:38:47,649 --> 00:38:53,108
obviously, I should be able to take
control of myself, and responsibility.

557
00:38:54,817 --> 00:38:58,609
But people are hijacking... my whole life.

558
00:38:58,650 --> 00:39:00,984
Hijacked, I guess.

559
00:39:01,067 --> 00:39:03,818
[stopwatch ticking]

560
00:39:15,902 --> 00:39:20,736
Touch-typing using shortcuts
are coming back to me like magic,

561
00:39:20,819 --> 00:39:23,320
so I know I can rely on those.

562
00:39:23,403 --> 00:39:27,570
You do it automatically.
It's automatic... now, you know?

563
00:39:27,612 --> 00:39:32,071
For a long time, it was, like, one...
one at a time.

564
00:39:34,237 --> 00:39:36,404
"I look back...

565
00:39:39,195 --> 00:39:42,238
at my words...

566
00:39:43,572 --> 00:39:49,155
they will have disappeared."

567
00:39:50,031 --> 00:39:51,990
Maybe,
"Especially because I can still write."

568
00:39:52,073 --> 00:39:52,990
Yeah.

569
00:39:53,073 --> 00:39:58,615
Because that's that thing that is quite...
the most unintuitive part of all of this.

570
00:39:58,656 --> 00:40:01,949
We think of reading and writing as being
almost the same thing.

571
00:40:02,033 --> 00:40:03,949
You write something, then you read it.

572
00:40:04,033 --> 00:40:07,115
But for the brain, it doesn't work
like that at all, you know?

573
00:40:07,198 --> 00:40:10,783
It's a very different process
that is not at all obvious.

574
00:40:10,867 --> 00:40:13,283
Is that 'cause it's a different
part of the brain?

575
00:40:13,366 --> 00:40:16,867
[clears throat] It's because
the pathways are a little different.

576
00:40:16,950 --> 00:40:19,867
To write something,
you don't need to necessarily see it.

577
00:40:19,950 --> 00:40:22,701
But to read it,
it's the visual part of the brain

578
00:40:22,784 --> 00:40:24,409
that now is having the trouble.

579
00:40:24,492 --> 00:40:26,451
So your brain can see the words,

580
00:40:26,534 --> 00:40:28,576
but the connection
between the seeing part of the brain

581
00:40:28,618 --> 00:40:31,160
and the language part of the brain
has been disrupted.

582
00:40:32,535 --> 00:40:35,243
But the path which goes
from the language part of the brain

583
00:40:35,327 --> 00:40:38,201
to the motor part of the brain
to write it is fine.

584
00:40:38,285 --> 00:40:41,786
So you can write it and then
when you read it, there's a blockage.

585
00:40:41,870 --> 00:40:43,244
Yeah.

586
00:40:43,328 --> 00:40:44,953
Okay.

587
00:40:45,494 --> 00:40:48,202
[Lotje] Update to self, note to self,

588
00:40:48,286 --> 00:40:52,370
this is not a step backwards,
this is an enormous step forwards.

589
00:40:55,495 --> 00:40:57,203
This is progress.

590
00:40:59,580 --> 00:41:03,288
Massive progress.
The other one was just an illusion.

591
00:41:04,788 --> 00:41:06,913
A comfortable illusion.

592
00:41:06,997 --> 00:41:10,497
This is an uncomfortable reality.
[echoing]

593
00:41:18,582 --> 00:41:20,415
Cuckoo...

594
00:41:20,498 --> 00:41:23,041
Cuckoo...

595
00:41:25,082 --> 00:41:28,541
It's all going nuts here at the nuthouse.

596
00:41:28,625 --> 00:41:31,875
The psychology of recovery.

597
00:41:33,708 --> 00:41:35,207
Escape?

598
00:41:37,083 --> 00:41:39,667
And run away? [chuckles]

599
00:41:40,792 --> 00:41:41,834
Kidding.

600
00:41:42,834 --> 00:41:45,959
One of the nice ladies said I was allowed.

601
00:41:46,043 --> 00:41:48,044
So long as I don't get lost.

602
00:41:48,126 --> 00:41:50,501
My weekly timetable.

603
00:41:50,585 --> 00:41:54,251
Occupational therapist,
language therapist,

604
00:41:54,335 --> 00:41:56,878
a psychologist and a psychiatrist.

605
00:41:56,961 --> 00:41:59,753
And I'm not sure which is which.
[chuckles]

606
00:41:59,836 --> 00:42:01,878
[Lucy] You know, this video communication

607
00:42:01,961 --> 00:42:04,961
is really amazing for people
who were away.

608
00:42:05,045 --> 00:42:06,502
Here I am...

609
00:42:09,087 --> 00:42:10,378
in...

610
00:42:11,795 --> 00:42:13,795
the brain room.

611
00:42:13,879 --> 00:42:15,587
[Lucy] Exactly what Lotje
was doing before,

612
00:42:15,629 --> 00:42:18,379
she communicates with everyone via video.

613
00:42:18,463 --> 00:42:21,630
And she just makes me laugh. [chuckling]

614
00:42:21,713 --> 00:42:25,546
This is where I perform
me leisure activities.

615
00:42:25,630 --> 00:42:30,631
And this is where I like to play snooker
or write some music.

616
00:42:32,297 --> 00:42:35,882
You have to come here sometime.
It's a real hoot.

617
00:42:36,673 --> 00:42:41,090
Really want to know what that... says.

618
00:42:46,966 --> 00:42:49,633
-[Lotje] Hey, Adam.
-Hello.

619
00:42:50,966 --> 00:42:52,841
How are you doing?

620
00:42:52,924 --> 00:42:54,424
Wonderful.

621
00:42:54,507 --> 00:42:55,800
What are you making?

622
00:42:57,133 --> 00:42:59,342
[Adam] I'm not making,
I'm creating.

623
00:42:59,425 --> 00:43:00,634
What are you creating?

624
00:43:00,717 --> 00:43:03,675
A robot for my son.

625
00:43:04,592 --> 00:43:07,301
You're my only friend here, Adam.

626
00:43:07,384 --> 00:43:08,926
I'm your only friend?

627
00:43:09,010 --> 00:43:11,635
Here at the RNRU, yeah.

628
00:43:11,676 --> 00:43:14,761
Well, you've got a good friend,
that's all I can say.

629
00:43:16,260 --> 00:43:17,969
[Lotje] You're not wrong there, Adam.

630
00:43:19,844 --> 00:43:21,677
[Adam] Very good friend.

631
00:43:21,761 --> 00:43:26,012
Are you looking forward to going home,
going into the real world?

632
00:43:27,470 --> 00:43:30,637
I'm... I'm looking forward to it, yes,

633
00:43:30,720 --> 00:43:34,137
but I'll deal with it when I get there,

634
00:43:34,220 --> 00:43:38,429
because I've been out here
for a long time.

635
00:43:38,512 --> 00:43:40,471
You think it's gonna be all right?

636
00:43:40,554 --> 00:43:43,889
Yeah.
Life is what you make it.

637
00:43:44,889 --> 00:43:46,930
[echoing] Life is what you make it.

638
00:43:53,431 --> 00:43:56,931
-[Lotje] Martin. Magical Martin.
-Mmm.

639
00:43:57,015 --> 00:43:59,348
-I'm going to read.
-Okay.

640
00:43:59,431 --> 00:44:02,640
See, um...
See if I can do it without messing it up.

641
00:44:02,681 --> 00:44:04,807
-Okay. We're a team.
-Yeah?

642
00:44:04,891 --> 00:44:09,515
In this case, the writings
of the incredible Mr. Lynch,

643
00:44:09,599 --> 00:44:12,767
that I'm dying to get my head around.

644
00:44:13,433 --> 00:44:17,725
"Within every..." No.

645
00:44:18,642 --> 00:44:20,350
[chuckles] "Within..."

646
00:44:20,433 --> 00:44:25,517
[Lotje] "Within your own self
is a treasury, an ocean of pure bliss,

647
00:44:25,601 --> 00:44:29,184
consciousness, intelligence, creativity,

648
00:44:29,267 --> 00:44:33,226
love, happiness, energy, and peace,

649
00:44:33,310 --> 00:44:35,352
within every human being."

650
00:44:35,435 --> 00:44:39,894
"...of pure bliss."

651
00:44:39,977 --> 00:44:40,977
[Martin] Yeah.

652
00:44:41,061 --> 00:44:45,811
[Lotje] "Experience that
and you will begin to know yourself,

653
00:44:45,895 --> 00:44:50,020
which is unbounded, eternal totality."

654
00:44:51,062 --> 00:44:55,104
"...to-ta-lity."

655
00:44:55,187 --> 00:44:57,604
[Martin] Excellent. Well done.

656
00:44:57,646 --> 00:44:59,854
-Yeah.
-[sighs]

657
00:44:59,937 --> 00:45:00,980
[high five]

658
00:45:01,064 --> 00:45:02,313
[Lotje] I think that's wonderful.

659
00:45:02,396 --> 00:45:06,855
It means we have it all in us,
don't need to search too far.

660
00:45:06,938 --> 00:45:08,022
Yeah.

661
00:45:08,105 --> 00:45:11,981
-Just, uh, have a look inside...
-Mmm-hmm.

662
00:45:12,065 --> 00:45:14,356
...and hopefully
we'll find what we're looking for.

663
00:45:14,439 --> 00:45:18,023
-That's it, yeah. Mmm.
-I think that's great.

664
00:45:19,023 --> 00:45:21,024
[Lotje] It feels like a door has opened.

665
00:45:21,690 --> 00:45:23,231
A brand new door.

666
00:45:23,315 --> 00:45:26,940
It's in the middle, but it's open.

667
00:45:28,273 --> 00:45:29,857
It wants to let me in.

668
00:45:32,775 --> 00:45:36,858
Note to tell Sophie, or someone.

669
00:45:45,317 --> 00:45:46,651
[Jan] This is your towel.

670
00:45:48,150 --> 00:45:49,652
That's it?

671
00:45:49,735 --> 00:45:52,069
This is your towel, too.

672
00:45:52,151 --> 00:45:53,860
I should've brought a bag, really.

673
00:45:53,943 --> 00:45:55,735
It's all right, we can...
I can carry it.

674
00:45:55,818 --> 00:45:57,485
What are you thinking about now?

675
00:45:59,402 --> 00:46:02,235
Can I just show you how
these organizational skills

676
00:46:02,319 --> 00:46:03,903
have massively improved?

677
00:46:03,986 --> 00:46:06,070
I think you're very distracted right now.

678
00:46:06,152 --> 00:46:08,987
You're not thinking about
the task in hand at all.

679
00:46:09,071 --> 00:46:11,570
-What, me?
-Yeah.

680
00:46:11,654 --> 00:46:13,362
See, if you had a brain hemorrhage,

681
00:46:13,445 --> 00:46:16,528
you'd focus on the things
that you should be focusing on,

682
00:46:16,612 --> 00:46:18,613
and ignore everything else.

683
00:46:18,655 --> 00:46:21,404
-Pretty handy, in fact.
-[Jan chuckles]

684
00:46:21,488 --> 00:46:24,571
I'll remember that.
I'll be sure to have one soon.

685
00:46:24,655 --> 00:46:26,072
[Lotje] Mmm-hmm.

686
00:46:26,154 --> 00:46:30,947
It's been a very, very, very, very, very,
very, very hard process to be here.

687
00:46:33,947 --> 00:46:37,823
I am different than I was,
maybe I'm never gonna be the same.

688
00:46:37,907 --> 00:46:40,365
That's only, really,
just occurred to me.

689
00:46:42,115 --> 00:46:45,074
But I'm still hoping that it's not true.

690
00:46:46,531 --> 00:46:48,991
Where I'm gonna end up,
or how I'll end up,

691
00:46:49,075 --> 00:46:54,324
when it comes to romance,
my life, work, you know,

692
00:46:54,407 --> 00:46:57,283
those are the things
that you start freaking out about.

693
00:47:04,283 --> 00:47:05,992
[boy talking indistinctly]

694
00:47:09,326 --> 00:47:11,618
[Jan] Is that one for Auntie Lotje?

695
00:47:11,660 --> 00:47:12,743
Yeah.

696
00:47:13,409 --> 00:47:15,159
[Lotje] Well, thank you.

697
00:47:15,242 --> 00:47:16,368
Is that a leaf?

698
00:47:16,451 --> 00:47:18,202
Yeah.

699
00:47:19,869 --> 00:47:22,327
[Lotje] This is a book
for people who can't read.

700
00:47:24,869 --> 00:47:26,536
It's got all pictures in it, you see?

701
00:47:26,620 --> 00:47:29,703
-[kid] I can't read.
-[Lotje] Neither can I.

702
00:47:29,787 --> 00:47:31,578
[kid] I can't read.

703
00:47:32,578 --> 00:47:33,912
I can't read.

704
00:47:35,161 --> 00:47:37,287
I can't read and I can read it.

705
00:47:39,329 --> 00:47:41,412
Dear Mr. Lynch,

706
00:47:41,496 --> 00:47:45,080
I'm writing to you
from Victoria Park in London.

707
00:47:45,162 --> 00:47:50,372
I'm worried that I've used up
the limit of my intelligence

708
00:47:50,455 --> 00:47:53,747
and it won't develop
any further from here.

709
00:47:53,830 --> 00:47:59,206
That would make problems
in the trajectory of my future.

710
00:47:59,289 --> 00:48:03,665
Certainly if I can't do writing
or reading...

711
00:48:03,748 --> 00:48:04,873
I've had it.

712
00:48:06,582 --> 00:48:08,290
Only time will tell.

713
00:48:11,540 --> 00:48:12,999
Very curious.

714
00:48:19,125 --> 00:48:22,416
What do we have here?
Headline,

715
00:48:22,500 --> 00:48:27,542
a very long and very
interesting-looking article

716
00:48:27,626 --> 00:48:30,751
about reprogramming our brains...

717
00:48:31,334 --> 00:48:33,834
using crans...

718
00:48:33,918 --> 00:48:38,460
No, transcranial stimulation,

719
00:48:38,543 --> 00:48:40,418
which sounds very scary,

720
00:48:40,502 --> 00:48:44,336
but that is exactly
what I have just signed up for.

721
00:48:44,419 --> 00:48:50,087
And when I've done this fabled therapy,
I'll be able to read.

722
00:48:50,169 --> 00:48:51,419
Maybe.

723
00:49:04,713 --> 00:49:06,296
[speaking indistinctly]

724
00:49:06,380 --> 00:49:07,463
Like that?

725
00:49:08,421 --> 00:49:10,421
Yes, please, that's great.

726
00:49:19,297 --> 00:49:20,673
[Dr. Alex] It's basically a battery.

727
00:49:20,714 --> 00:49:22,840
When it first switches on,
you can feel a bit of tingling,

728
00:49:22,924 --> 00:49:27,007
so you get two pads over the head,
and the current goes between the two pads.

729
00:49:27,091 --> 00:49:29,007
A lot of the current actually
doesn't go through the brain.

730
00:49:29,091 --> 00:49:30,298
A lot of it just goes through the skin.

731
00:49:30,382 --> 00:49:34,341
But a small amount goes through the brain
and we think that's the therapeutic bit.

732
00:49:34,424 --> 00:49:37,341
So, for some, it works, and for some,
it doesn't work so well,

733
00:49:37,424 --> 00:49:38,716
but on a group level, it works.

734
00:49:38,800 --> 00:49:41,174
So we know that works,
we're trying to enhance that.

735
00:49:41,257 --> 00:49:42,384
Okay.

736
00:49:42,467 --> 00:49:45,051
Yeah, I'm definitely willing to do that.

737
00:49:45,134 --> 00:49:46,967
-Okay, great.
-Yeah.

738
00:49:48,467 --> 00:49:52,593
[Lotje] I'm super excited to see
what the results will be,

739
00:49:52,677 --> 00:49:54,677
but I'm also fully aware of the fact

740
00:49:54,760 --> 00:49:59,510
that this is an experiment
that, uh, may or may not work.

741
00:49:59,593 --> 00:50:05,177
I'd love to wake up with a massively
improved cognitive ability, of course,

742
00:50:05,260 --> 00:50:07,511
especially around my reading.

743
00:50:08,594 --> 00:50:09,594
Um...

744
00:50:10,511 --> 00:50:11,679
But...

745
00:50:13,345 --> 00:50:18,428
Um, you know, if it doesn't work,
then I've given my body to science.

746
00:50:20,096 --> 00:50:22,055
[therapist] Get this all set up and ready.

747
00:50:26,262 --> 00:50:28,471
-How's it feel?
-All right.

748
00:50:28,554 --> 00:50:30,639
-Tingling away?
-Tingling away.

749
00:50:30,681 --> 00:50:32,722
All right, well,
let's start the training.

750
00:50:32,806 --> 00:50:34,389
-You ready?
-Yeah.

751
00:50:34,472 --> 00:50:35,555
Okay, off you go.

752
00:50:37,681 --> 00:50:39,555
-[recorded female voice] Rain.
-Rain.

753
00:50:39,639 --> 00:50:41,640
-Yes.
-Yes.

754
00:50:41,682 --> 00:50:43,515
-Space.
-Space.

755
00:50:43,598 --> 00:50:45,348
-Assist.
-Assist.

756
00:50:45,431 --> 00:50:49,515
I have to spend a month
doing very intensive therapy.

757
00:50:49,598 --> 00:50:51,516
-[recorded female voice] Purple.
-Purple.

758
00:50:51,599 --> 00:50:53,599
-Past.
-Past.

759
00:50:53,683 --> 00:50:58,016
The effect is to rewire my brain,

760
00:50:58,100 --> 00:51:00,101
so that it's able to find

761
00:51:00,183 --> 00:51:04,225
new routes to where
it used to go automatically.

762
00:51:04,308 --> 00:51:06,101
-Panic.
-Panic.

763
00:51:06,183 --> 00:51:08,017
-Down.
-Down.

764
00:51:08,101 --> 00:51:09,726
-Past.
-Past.

765
00:51:09,810 --> 00:51:10,976
Yes.

766
00:51:11,060 --> 00:51:12,267
[computer dings]

767
00:51:12,351 --> 00:51:15,893
I have to be exposed to words

768
00:51:15,976 --> 00:51:19,769
through sound and vision simultaneously,

769
00:51:19,852 --> 00:51:23,894
so that, as I hear the words
and I see them,

770
00:51:23,977 --> 00:51:30,645
I start to reconnect the sound of
those words with the sight of those words.

771
00:51:31,812 --> 00:51:33,687
-Roar.
-Roar.

772
00:51:33,770 --> 00:51:35,520
-Rescue.
-Rescue.

773
00:51:35,603 --> 00:51:37,062
-Boy.
-Boy.

774
00:51:37,978 --> 00:51:39,688
-Wish.
-Wish.

775
00:51:39,771 --> 00:51:40,979
-Pie.
-[computer dings]

776
00:51:42,105 --> 00:51:46,688
[Lotje] Kind of a crazy sensation.
It feels like stinging nettles.

777
00:51:47,479 --> 00:51:49,438
Hard work,

778
00:51:49,522 --> 00:51:53,814
and they've given me this really
dodgy laptop to take home,

779
00:51:53,897 --> 00:51:57,648
to carry on when I get home,
for an hour every day.

780
00:52:02,272 --> 00:52:04,564
-Birds.
-Birds.

781
00:52:04,648 --> 00:52:06,606
-Tough.
-Tough.

782
00:52:06,690 --> 00:52:08,482
-Soon.
-Soon.

783
00:52:08,565 --> 00:52:10,440
-Quick.
-When...

784
00:52:10,524 --> 00:52:12,816
-Tad.
-Tad.

785
00:52:12,899 --> 00:52:14,816
-Skill.
-Skill.

786
00:52:14,899 --> 00:52:17,358
-Hope.
-Hope.

787
00:52:17,441 --> 00:52:19,233
-Dance.
-Dance.

788
00:52:19,316 --> 00:52:24,692
[Lotje] I'm starting to actually
read the word along its length.

789
00:52:24,733 --> 00:52:28,859
-[word repetitions continue]
-Read each letter in the word

790
00:52:28,943 --> 00:52:31,984
and understand the series,

791
00:52:32,068 --> 00:52:36,443
the sequence of letters in a joint whole.

792
00:52:36,527 --> 00:52:38,485
-Loan.
-Loan.

793
00:52:38,568 --> 00:52:40,860
-Owl.
-Owl.

794
00:52:40,944 --> 00:52:43,235
-Need.
-Need.

795
00:52:43,318 --> 00:52:45,694
[Lotje] The cognition is
certainly improving.

796
00:52:45,777 --> 00:52:47,070
-Abuse.
-Abuse.

797
00:52:47,153 --> 00:52:49,528
But what do I know?
[sighing]

798
00:52:49,611 --> 00:52:53,194
I'm just an innocent guinea pig.

799
00:52:56,529 --> 00:53:02,612
So, um, did you have any ill effects
after the, uh, stimulation yesterday?

800
00:53:02,696 --> 00:53:05,697
No headaches,
nothing else like that in the evening?

801
00:53:05,780 --> 00:53:07,822
-No.
-Good.

802
00:53:07,905 --> 00:53:11,238
[Lotje] Words, words, words.
So many words.

803
00:53:11,321 --> 00:53:12,947
[voice echoes] Words, words, words.

804
00:53:13,030 --> 00:53:14,822
Just three days left.

805
00:53:14,905 --> 00:53:16,197
[both chuckle]

806
00:53:17,656 --> 00:53:19,406
Whoo-hoo!

807
00:53:19,489 --> 00:53:21,447
-Stroke.
-Stroke.

808
00:53:21,531 --> 00:53:23,447
-See.
-See.

809
00:53:23,531 --> 00:53:24,907
-Dog.
-Dog.

810
00:53:24,990 --> 00:53:26,990
-Wood.
-[computer dings]

811
00:53:28,281 --> 00:53:30,448
-Lid.
-[computer dings]

812
00:53:30,532 --> 00:53:31,615
Open.

813
00:53:31,699 --> 00:53:32,907
Open.

814
00:53:34,908 --> 00:53:37,700
-Legal.
-[gasps]

815
00:53:37,783 --> 00:53:39,449
I thought I just saw a flash.

816
00:53:40,700 --> 00:53:42,199
May have been...

817
00:53:42,282 --> 00:53:43,700
Are you okay?
How are you feeling?

818
00:53:43,783 --> 00:53:45,659
-Legal.
-No.

819
00:53:45,701 --> 00:53:47,617
[computer dinging]

820
00:53:47,701 --> 00:53:48,867
Happen.

821
00:53:48,951 --> 00:53:50,242
[Lotje inhaling sharply]

822
00:53:50,867 --> 00:53:52,283
-Given.
-[therapist] First mistake.

823
00:53:52,367 --> 00:53:53,409
Given.

824
00:53:53,492 --> 00:53:54,702
-Girl.
-Girl. [gasps]

825
00:53:54,743 --> 00:53:56,535
Oh! [clicks tongue]

826
00:53:57,535 --> 00:53:58,576
[recorded female voice] Mum.

827
00:53:58,660 --> 00:54:00,493
That's deeply unpleasant.

828
00:54:00,576 --> 00:54:02,827
It didn't do that before.
This is new.

829
00:54:02,910 --> 00:54:05,202
-Strike.
-Strike.

830
00:54:05,285 --> 00:54:06,285
-Winner.
-Winner.

831
00:54:06,369 --> 00:54:07,994
Run through that block
and I'll get Jenny down.

832
00:54:08,078 --> 00:54:09,161
-Love.
-Love.

833
00:54:09,244 --> 00:54:10,869
-Log.
-Log.

834
00:54:10,953 --> 00:54:12,953
-Sock.
-Sock.

835
00:54:13,036 --> 00:54:15,037
-Story.
-Story.

836
00:54:15,787 --> 00:54:16,995
Next one?

837
00:54:17,079 --> 00:54:18,245
Uh, just hold it there.

838
00:54:18,328 --> 00:54:19,829
-You sure?
-Yeah.

839
00:54:59,708 --> 00:55:01,374
[Jan] It was probably about 4:00 p.m.

840
00:55:01,959 --> 00:55:05,417
Lotje had called and there was a problem,

841
00:55:05,500 --> 00:55:08,042
and I needed to go over there
very quickly.

842
00:55:10,167 --> 00:55:14,292
She was squatting outside,
her speech was very impaired,

843
00:55:14,376 --> 00:55:16,459
and she didn't really know
what was going on.

844
00:55:16,543 --> 00:55:18,209
There was a lot of confusion.

845
00:55:20,710 --> 00:55:24,128
The ambulance came,
I explained to them Lotje's history.

846
00:55:24,210 --> 00:55:28,169
They asked me questions,
they tried to ask Lotje questions,

847
00:55:28,252 --> 00:55:31,129
some of which she could answer,

848
00:55:31,211 --> 00:55:35,878
some of which she half-answered,
most of which she didn't answer at all.

849
00:55:39,586 --> 00:55:43,212
Lotje was half off the stretcher,

850
00:55:43,295 --> 00:55:47,713
her eyes turned up, you could only see the
whites of her eyes, her face was purple.

851
00:55:47,796 --> 00:55:49,337
And she was...

852
00:55:51,131 --> 00:55:53,505
You know,
I didn't know what was going on.

853
00:56:01,423 --> 00:56:05,631
She started convulsing. You know,
these were very violent body movements.

854
00:56:11,549 --> 00:56:14,340
One of the nurses was trying to,
sort of, keep her on the stretcher.

855
00:56:15,215 --> 00:56:17,382
The movements got so powerful

856
00:56:17,465 --> 00:56:20,842
that he asked me to help him
to keep Lotje where she was.

857
00:56:22,134 --> 00:56:24,341
Overall,
it lasted over a four-hour period.

858
00:56:29,426 --> 00:56:32,467
At that stage, obviously,
you start, um...

859
00:56:32,551 --> 00:56:36,135
I guess you start blaming
or you start looking for reasons.

860
00:56:41,802 --> 00:56:43,552
[leaves rustling]

861
00:56:54,386 --> 00:56:57,053
[Lotje]
My whole body is, um, is in shock.

862
00:56:58,595 --> 00:57:04,387
The whole of my back,
my arms, my legs, my-my...

863
00:57:05,554 --> 00:57:08,805
My, um... [stammers]

864
00:57:08,888 --> 00:57:10,304
This.

865
00:57:11,596 --> 00:57:12,847
What do you call that?

866
00:57:12,930 --> 00:57:14,388
-[Sophie] Hips?
-Yes.

867
00:57:15,513 --> 00:57:17,472
-Truth.
-[computer dinging]

868
00:57:18,723 --> 00:57:21,347
[Sophie] Talk me through
what you can remember.

869
00:57:21,431 --> 00:57:26,931
[Lotje] On Monday, I went back
to Queen Square for the penultimate time.

870
00:57:28,223 --> 00:57:31,557
After my zapping, I went home

871
00:57:31,640 --> 00:57:35,682
and started my one hour
of words repetition.

872
00:57:35,724 --> 00:57:38,183
-Bird.
-Bird.

873
00:57:38,266 --> 00:57:43,891
I started seeing these flashes of color
appearing in front of me.

874
00:57:43,975 --> 00:57:47,934
Lots of color, repetitive flashes,
growing bigger and bigger, like...

875
00:57:48,017 --> 00:57:50,392
[loud throbbing noise]

876
00:57:50,475 --> 00:57:55,726
A hallucinogenic,
uncontrollable growth of color.

877
00:57:57,185 --> 00:57:59,518
I started panicking. Um...

878
00:58:00,560 --> 00:58:03,727
When I thought,
"Okay, I have to, uh...

879
00:58:03,810 --> 00:58:08,477
I don't know what's happening,
but it feels a little bit like a stroke."

880
00:58:09,602 --> 00:58:13,728
It's frightening losing yourself...

881
00:58:14,728 --> 00:58:16,228
being lost in your body.

882
00:58:17,062 --> 00:58:21,895
I wasn't, obviously,
expecting an epileptic fit. [chuckling]

883
00:58:24,228 --> 00:58:27,063
"Epileptic seizures result from
abnormal, excessive,

884
00:58:27,147 --> 00:58:31,771
or hypersynchronous
neuronal activity in the brain.

885
00:58:31,855 --> 00:58:35,439
About 50 million people worldwide
have epilepsy,

886
00:58:35,522 --> 00:58:40,564
and nearly 90% of epilepsy occurs
in the developing countries."

887
00:58:40,647 --> 00:58:41,772
[Lotje] Okay.

888
00:58:42,772 --> 00:58:45,107
-[Hente] Just... just...
-I don't have epilepsy.

889
00:58:46,690 --> 00:58:47,940
Do I?

890
00:58:52,565 --> 00:58:54,774
My vision is distorted...

891
00:58:55,399 --> 00:59:01,774
but this time, it isn't interesting
like it was in Nov... November.

892
00:59:01,858 --> 00:59:03,232
It's scary.

893
00:59:06,525 --> 00:59:11,483
Okay, now I'm seeing things
on my right hand side.

894
00:59:11,567 --> 00:59:14,443
-Things that shouldn't be there.
-[indistinct voices]

895
00:59:14,526 --> 00:59:15,943
I see this...

896
00:59:17,484 --> 00:59:20,234
phantom... object.

897
00:59:21,068 --> 00:59:26,027
Colors are getting brighter
and the patterns keep repeating.

898
00:59:26,111 --> 00:59:31,194
Orange. No. Yeah. No, purple.

899
00:59:31,277 --> 00:59:34,611
And green.
And they keep growing.

900
00:59:35,278 --> 00:59:38,987
[Hente] "Diplopia, double vision,
amnesia, balance disorder,

901
00:59:39,070 --> 00:59:40,528
disturbance in attention,

902
00:59:40,611 --> 00:59:43,071
loss of concentration,
memory impairment."

903
00:59:43,155 --> 00:59:47,320
-[siren wailing]
-[Lotje] The land looks unfamiliar.

904
00:59:48,988 --> 00:59:51,071
I feel like a stranger here.

905
00:59:52,739 --> 00:59:57,488
Tomorrow, I'll talk to Elsmore
and see what he thinks.

906
00:59:57,572 --> 01:00:01,197
I hope it's not gonna be like this
for the rest of my life.

907
01:00:02,948 --> 01:00:05,906
-I'm terrified of having...
-[baby wailing]

908
01:00:06,948 --> 01:00:08,531
...another epi.

909
01:00:08,614 --> 01:00:12,158
[Hente] "Agitation, depression,
emotional instability,

910
01:00:12,240 --> 01:00:15,615
mood swings,
hostility or aggression, insomnia,

911
01:00:15,699 --> 01:00:19,782
nervousness, irritability,
personal disorders, behavioral problems."

912
01:00:19,866 --> 01:00:22,533
Great medication!

913
01:00:22,616 --> 01:00:25,366
Perfect for your condition,
I would say.

914
01:00:25,450 --> 01:00:27,408
Isn't it? [chuckling]

915
01:00:30,200 --> 01:00:31,325
[groans]

916
01:00:42,202 --> 01:00:44,202
[Andrew] You were telling me
that you'd had a seizure.

917
01:00:44,285 --> 01:00:45,827
So, tell me what happened there.

918
01:00:45,910 --> 01:00:51,995
Well, I've been doing this, um,
electromagnetic therapy thing.

919
01:00:52,078 --> 01:00:56,619
Uh, I forget what it...
See... [stammering] I've regressed.

920
01:00:56,703 --> 01:00:59,286
-I have regressed since the seizure.
-Yeah.

921
01:00:59,369 --> 01:01:03,328
Um, but... Um, but yeah, it's, um...

922
01:01:03,412 --> 01:01:05,620
Yeah, some sort of...

923
01:01:07,370 --> 01:01:10,455
-Um, transmagnetic...
-Yes, I know what you mean.

924
01:01:10,538 --> 01:01:13,122
I don't have much experience
of the technique.

925
01:01:13,205 --> 01:01:14,747
It would not surprise me at all

926
01:01:14,788 --> 01:01:18,496
if it were a potential side effect
to the treatment,

927
01:01:18,580 --> 01:01:20,539
but I don't know for definite.

928
01:01:20,622 --> 01:01:23,497
Brain injury puts you at risk of seizures,

929
01:01:23,581 --> 01:01:28,748
so you were at risk of having a seizure
with or without the treatment,

930
01:01:28,789 --> 01:01:32,707
so, difficult to say, for me,
whether it was directly related.

931
01:01:32,749 --> 01:01:35,207
Did anyone start you
on any treatment for that?

932
01:01:35,290 --> 01:01:37,415
-Yeah, I have to take it every day.
-Yes.

933
01:01:37,498 --> 01:01:39,666
[Lotje] And it's for people
who have epileptic fits.

934
01:01:39,750 --> 01:01:40,791
[Andrew] Yeah.

935
01:01:40,875 --> 01:01:43,291
So, I don't know if that...
you know, if that includes me,

936
01:01:43,374 --> 01:01:47,083
because it might just have been a one-off.

937
01:01:47,167 --> 01:01:48,917
I hope it was a one-off.

938
01:01:49,001 --> 01:01:50,584
It's a bit difficult to tell,

939
01:01:50,667 --> 01:01:53,792
but probably the sensible thing for you
at the moment is to be on the treatment.

940
01:01:53,876 --> 01:01:54,876
Yeah.

941
01:01:54,959 --> 01:01:58,126
And that's... the most likely situation
where this won't happen again,

942
01:01:58,209 --> 01:02:00,543
which is, I'm sure,
what you would like at the moment.

943
01:02:00,626 --> 01:02:04,752
[voice grows distant] The medication
can make people a little bit drowsy

944
01:02:04,793 --> 01:02:07,543
and feel not quite themselves. [echoing]

945
01:02:12,294 --> 01:02:15,086
[Lotje] I remember Jan,
my brother, saying...

946
01:02:15,753 --> 01:02:18,754
Uh, "Don't worry,
you'll be better in a few weeks."

947
01:02:19,754 --> 01:02:22,879
You know, hopefully making that...
making that assumption.

948
01:02:22,962 --> 01:02:27,087
And some people do recover
from, um, strokes very quickly.

949
01:02:28,588 --> 01:02:32,379
But, in my case, language-wise,
I certainly didn't.

950
01:02:33,046 --> 01:02:35,337
So, now I'm thinking...

951
01:02:35,421 --> 01:02:40,089
maybe none of...
me will recover quickly ever.

952
01:02:41,338 --> 01:02:45,839
Anything can happen
at any time to any degree.

953
01:02:47,798 --> 01:02:49,548
Um, so...

954
01:02:50,715 --> 01:02:54,590
I better not have faith in anything.

955
01:02:58,758 --> 01:03:00,424
[Lotje] Mmm...

956
01:03:00,507 --> 01:03:02,841
-[Jan] Here we are, "Provoked seizure."
-[Lotje] Here, yeah.

957
01:03:02,924 --> 01:03:05,466
-Did you ask him about provoked seizure?
-Yeah.

958
01:03:05,549 --> 01:03:08,717
-And what did he say about that?
-He doesn't really know.

959
01:03:08,759 --> 01:03:11,300
You know, Andy Elsmore is a surgeon.

960
01:03:11,383 --> 01:03:13,550
-A brain surgeon.
-Okay.

961
01:03:13,633 --> 01:03:16,177
-That's his specialty.
-Yeah.

962
01:03:16,259 --> 01:03:20,093
So anything else
needs to be referred to other people.

963
01:03:20,177 --> 01:03:21,634
In all fairness...

964
01:03:21,718 --> 01:03:25,301
it sounds like you got
no answers from him at all.

965
01:03:26,594 --> 01:03:27,719
Well...

966
01:03:28,469 --> 01:03:31,011
Well, what kind of answers would you like?

967
01:03:31,094 --> 01:03:34,719
Some answer.
Like, "I don't know" is an answer.

968
01:03:34,761 --> 01:03:36,012
Like what?

969
01:03:36,095 --> 01:03:40,636
Like, "Okay, what are these
flashes of light I had?"

970
01:03:40,720 --> 01:03:44,470
"Fits." "And should...
Should I have been told that they were?"

971
01:03:44,553 --> 01:03:47,054
He can't answer those questions.

972
01:03:47,138 --> 01:03:49,304
-Why not?
-Because he wasn't there.

973
01:03:49,387 --> 01:03:52,804
He doesn't know anything about it
other than what I've told him.

974
01:03:52,888 --> 01:03:54,638
And what did he say?

975
01:03:54,722 --> 01:03:56,222
He said, "I don't know."

976
01:03:57,430 --> 01:04:01,722
[Jan] I was unaware actually, myself,
that there is a very high risk,

977
01:04:01,764 --> 01:04:03,388
a one-in-five risk pretty much,

978
01:04:03,472 --> 01:04:06,015
of this happening anyway
if you've had a hemorrhage,

979
01:04:06,098 --> 01:04:07,473
in the first year after.

980
01:04:07,556 --> 01:04:10,098
So... [sniffles] ...you know...

981
01:04:10,182 --> 01:04:12,765
I should have probably
been more prepared for the fact

982
01:04:12,848 --> 01:04:14,515
that this kind of thing could happen.

983
01:04:14,599 --> 01:04:17,099
For some reason, we weren't,
I mean, as a family.

984
01:04:17,183 --> 01:04:19,016
And Lotje wasn't either.

985
01:04:20,766 --> 01:04:23,808
[Lotje] I mean, there's no way of knowing.
It's just like...

986
01:04:23,892 --> 01:04:25,017
It's just unfortunate.

987
01:04:25,100 --> 01:04:28,767
Well, the thing is, it's likely to have
been a provoked seizure, that's the thing,

988
01:04:28,808 --> 01:04:31,767
but it's just a question
of what provoked it.

989
01:04:32,767 --> 01:04:33,851
[Lotje] Yeah.

990
01:04:41,559 --> 01:04:42,726
[Lotje] ...very slowly.

991
01:04:42,768 --> 01:04:43,977
I was doing a lot better,

992
01:04:44,060 --> 01:04:46,977
but now I've gone backwards again
since this, uh...

993
01:04:47,060 --> 01:04:48,935
Show me if you can read this.

994
01:04:50,351 --> 01:04:51,435
[chuckling]

995
01:04:52,644 --> 01:04:54,103
-This?
-Yeah.

996
01:04:54,187 --> 01:04:55,936
[Dr. Afraim] Just take your time. Just...

997
01:04:56,020 --> 01:04:58,561
[Lotje's voice echoing] "John...

998
01:04:59,853 --> 01:05:01,436
Gifford...

999
01:05:02,645 --> 01:05:06,395
was... the... was the..."

1000
01:05:06,479 --> 01:05:09,188
[Dr. Afraim] Just remind me again how long
the whole thing lasted for.

1001
01:05:09,270 --> 01:05:10,771
When did your speech return?

1002
01:05:10,854 --> 01:05:14,147
[Jan] Well, the thing is that
the actual fits happened in hospital.

1003
01:05:14,230 --> 01:05:16,063
-I see.
-So it was many, many hours.

1004
01:05:16,147 --> 01:05:19,189
It's probably about...
Um, after the fits, Lotje slept.

1005
01:05:19,271 --> 01:05:22,647
So by the time she was speaking again,
it was nine o'clock in the evening.

1006
01:05:22,731 --> 01:05:23,773
[Dr. Afraim] Okay.

1007
01:05:23,814 --> 01:05:28,481
Whether the seizures were triggered
or made worse by the treatment

1008
01:05:28,564 --> 01:05:29,856
is difficult to answer.

1009
01:05:29,939 --> 01:05:31,523
-[Jan] I have a question...
-[Dr. Afraim] Yes?

1010
01:05:31,607 --> 01:05:34,523
...which is, um, the flashes,
were they seizures or not?

1011
01:05:34,607 --> 01:05:37,857
-Uh, they're not seizures, per se.
-[Jan] Mmm.

1012
01:05:37,940 --> 01:05:40,815
I think it may be that the brain
was sort of primed.

1013
01:05:40,899 --> 01:05:43,649
Uh, you've got, uh,
abnormal brain there anyway.

1014
01:05:43,733 --> 01:05:46,858
So it may be they conspired
to give rise to what was,

1015
01:05:46,941 --> 01:05:49,483
what sounded like
a very prolonged seizure.

1016
01:05:50,483 --> 01:05:52,442
In a very small proportion of patients,

1017
01:05:52,525 --> 01:05:55,442
generalized seizures can carry fatality,
actually.

1018
01:05:55,525 --> 01:05:57,234
And certainly patients can die,

1019
01:05:57,317 --> 01:05:58,901
for example,
in their sleep from a seizure.

1020
01:05:58,984 --> 01:06:02,068
So, generalized seizures
certainly need to be treated.

1021
01:06:14,527 --> 01:06:20,320
Here I am on my last visitation
to Queen Square.

1022
01:06:20,403 --> 01:06:23,112
Curious to see... [sniffles]

1023
01:06:24,987 --> 01:06:29,154
...how much worse... off I am...

1024
01:06:29,237 --> 01:06:30,654
than I was...

1025
01:06:31,613 --> 01:06:33,696
before the...

1026
01:06:36,863 --> 01:06:38,404
the fits set in...

1027
01:06:39,655 --> 01:06:42,739
and certainly disturbed and destroyed...

1028
01:06:43,781 --> 01:06:47,614
my brain and my mind.

1029
01:06:52,073 --> 01:06:53,281
[exhaling]

1030
01:07:06,200 --> 01:07:08,158
[Dr. Alex] So, this graph...

1031
01:07:08,241 --> 01:07:11,950
it turned out that you had
the tDCS in the first week.

1032
01:07:12,034 --> 01:07:16,242
'Cause, remember, we were blinded to that,
so we had to, um, unblind ourselves.

1033
01:07:16,325 --> 01:07:19,160
And the biggest improvement was,
in fact, in the first week.

1034
01:07:19,243 --> 01:07:21,035
So you can see that your reading speeds,

1035
01:07:21,118 --> 01:07:23,160
actually for both trained
and untrained words,

1036
01:07:23,243 --> 01:07:25,659
um, both of them increased dramatically.

1037
01:07:25,743 --> 01:07:27,534
-Oh, wow.
-Quite dramatically there.

1038
01:07:27,618 --> 01:07:31,244
So you've gone from an average
of around about 2.2 seconds per word

1039
01:07:31,327 --> 01:07:34,452
down to an average of about 1.5 seconds.

1040
01:07:34,535 --> 01:07:37,411
That's about 40% improvement
in reading speed, something like that.

1041
01:07:37,495 --> 01:07:38,620
-Wow.
-Yeah.

1042
01:07:38,703 --> 01:07:41,037
-So that's quite impressive.
-That's great.

1043
01:07:41,120 --> 01:07:42,578
-So that is good news.
-Thank you.

1044
01:07:42,661 --> 01:07:46,411
Well, it's all your hard work, really.
And we would predict this.

1045
01:07:46,495 --> 01:07:49,205
So, generally speaking,
there's a big effect of practice.

1046
01:07:49,287 --> 01:07:52,829
But there's a hint here
that there's an effect of the tDCS.

1047
01:07:52,913 --> 01:07:55,496
Scientifically, it's unfortunate
because you had the seizure,

1048
01:07:55,579 --> 01:07:57,371
that the last time point
would've helped us.

1049
01:07:57,455 --> 01:08:00,455
So, if you hadn't had the fit
and you had gone down again here,

1050
01:08:00,538 --> 01:08:01,663
in other words,
you'd improved again,

1051
01:08:01,747 --> 01:08:05,538
that would've been good evidence that
there wasn't a real effect of the tDCS,

1052
01:08:05,622 --> 01:08:08,790
but because we lost that last time point,
we can't really answer that question.

1053
01:08:08,831 --> 01:08:10,040
I'm sorry about that. [chuckling]

1054
01:08:10,123 --> 01:08:12,790
It's not your fault.
Absolutely not your fault at all.

1055
01:08:16,166 --> 01:08:18,999
[Dr. Alex] The data that we got from you,
we are very encouraged by.

1056
01:08:19,082 --> 01:08:22,041
And we're using this to put together

1057
01:08:22,124 --> 01:08:24,791
a grant application to,
obviously to do it in more subjects.

1058
01:08:24,874 --> 01:08:28,000
So all of this stuff, you know,
promising, but not conclusive,

1059
01:08:28,083 --> 01:08:31,416
is gonna go into an application
to try and do it on a bigger level.

1060
01:08:31,500 --> 01:08:34,750
[Lotje] Did I understand
correctly that, um...

1061
01:08:34,792 --> 01:08:39,210
you're not going to be testing any more
zapping on brain hemorrhage people?

1062
01:08:39,292 --> 01:08:40,459
[Dr. Alex] Yeah, I think we'll...

1063
01:08:40,542 --> 01:08:43,751
We'll probably put that in
as one of the exclusion criteria.

1064
01:08:43,793 --> 01:08:46,460
Obviously, we want to be safe,
but on the other hand,

1065
01:08:46,543 --> 01:08:48,752
if you exclude a load of people
in these studies,

1066
01:08:48,794 --> 01:08:51,627
then when you finally publish it, um...

1067
01:08:51,710 --> 01:08:54,002
there will be no evidence
for a certain proportion.

1068
01:08:54,085 --> 01:08:56,711
So I'm always a little bit wary
about excluding people,

1069
01:08:56,795 --> 01:08:59,503
because as soon as you start
excluding a certain type of person,

1070
01:08:59,586 --> 01:09:03,170
it then means that whatever you find
cannot be generalized to those people.

1071
01:09:04,253 --> 01:09:06,796
Okay. I wouldn't want to be,
you know...

1072
01:09:06,837 --> 01:09:09,462
I wouldn't want to contribute
to people missing out

1073
01:09:09,545 --> 01:09:12,046
on potentially helpful treatment.

1074
01:09:12,129 --> 01:09:14,171
But, um...
But, yeah, at the same time...

1075
01:09:14,255 --> 01:09:16,421
-Uh, well, it's not...
-...having a fit isn't fun.

1076
01:09:16,505 --> 01:09:18,630
It's not really a decision for you
or a decision for me.

1077
01:09:18,713 --> 01:09:21,630
There's a group of us, and, ultimately,
it's down to the ethics committee.

1078
01:09:21,713 --> 01:09:23,797
So they decide what is safe
and what isn't.

1079
01:09:24,798 --> 01:09:29,506
I mean, if there is a safety issue, then,
surely it's a good thing to exclude those.

1080
01:09:29,589 --> 01:09:33,215
[clicks tongue] I think it's something
that we're all discussing.

1081
01:09:33,297 --> 01:09:35,257
-Yeah.
-Okay.

1082
01:09:46,549 --> 01:09:48,925
[Jan] Okay, so it didn't work.
Is that what you're hearing?

1083
01:09:49,008 --> 01:09:50,883
[Lotje] No, it did work, there's a 60...

1084
01:09:50,966 --> 01:09:54,634
There's 40% increase of improvement
in the first week.

1085
01:09:54,717 --> 01:09:58,176
[Jan] Okay, I can't read this, then.
Can you explain it to me?

1086
01:10:00,842 --> 01:10:03,802
[Lotje] Do you see... Do you see...

1087
01:10:03,843 --> 01:10:06,343
I mean, to be honest,
I have no fucking idea.

1088
01:10:06,426 --> 01:10:07,885
[Jan] So basically, if the red line...

1089
01:10:07,968 --> 01:10:10,760
[Lotje] There's a 40% increase
in the first week,

1090
01:10:10,802 --> 01:10:13,344
and then it flatlines out.

1091
01:10:19,094 --> 01:10:24,386
[Lotje] It terrifies me that death
can just spring up out of nowhere,

1092
01:10:24,470 --> 01:10:28,970
and, um, threaten to take me away.

1093
01:10:29,054 --> 01:10:32,263
I mean, that could happen
to anybody at any time.

1094
01:10:38,763 --> 01:10:41,013
[upbeat music playing]

1095
01:11:13,642 --> 01:11:17,642
[Lotje] My first holiday
since my brain was broken

1096
01:11:17,725 --> 01:11:22,101
with the magical Miss Lucy McRae.

1097
01:11:27,434 --> 01:11:30,186
This is undoubtedly the cure.

1098
01:11:31,102 --> 01:11:34,894
The brain needs to be quiet
to perform its function.

1099
01:11:34,977 --> 01:11:35,977
Quiet.

1100
01:11:39,978 --> 01:11:43,520
I feel much closer to my consciousness,

1101
01:11:43,603 --> 01:11:49,020
a much more raw closeness to the self

1102
01:11:49,103 --> 01:11:52,437
that is the essence of me.

1103
01:11:52,521 --> 01:11:57,271
If the physical body,
the brain, is damaged,

1104
01:11:57,354 --> 01:12:01,355
does this extend to damage to the self?

1105
01:12:02,438 --> 01:12:07,272
I need to be comfortable with...
with subtle,

1106
01:12:07,355 --> 01:12:11,940
or some may say "unsubtle" differences

1107
01:12:12,023 --> 01:12:16,606
between who I was before
and who I am now.

1108
01:12:18,106 --> 01:12:23,565
In meditation, I've discovered
the fragility of the mind

1109
01:12:23,649 --> 01:12:27,191
and also its limitless resources.

1110
01:12:27,274 --> 01:12:32,234
And in that discovery,
I've become empowered.

1111
01:12:36,817 --> 01:12:39,818
The silence, solitude.

1112
01:12:41,859 --> 01:12:42,901
Salut.

1113
01:12:42,984 --> 01:12:44,526
[approaching footsteps]

1114
01:12:47,359 --> 01:12:48,610
[man speaking indistinctly]

1115
01:12:48,693 --> 01:12:50,443
[both chuckling]

1116
01:12:51,902 --> 01:12:54,110
[man speaking indistinctly in French]

1117
01:12:54,318 --> 01:12:55,652
No, a film.

1118
01:13:00,945 --> 01:13:03,237
[chuckling, speaking French]
Ah, it's me.

1119
01:13:06,361 --> 01:13:08,821
-[Lotje speaks French] Is it your garden?
-Yes.

1120
01:13:08,862 --> 01:13:09,987
Ah.

1121
01:13:10,071 --> 01:13:13,821
It's very peaceful here, there's no noise.

1122
01:13:13,862 --> 01:13:15,112
[man chuckles]

1123
01:13:16,530 --> 01:13:22,113
I'm here every day and there's no noise.
Apart from when I'm on my tractor.

1124
01:13:22,197 --> 01:13:22,988
[Lotje] Yeah?

1125
01:13:23,072 --> 01:13:27,031
Yes, I mean, the tractor makes noise.
Or when I use the trimmer...

1126
01:13:27,114 --> 01:13:29,031
To cut the grass.

1127
01:13:29,989 --> 01:13:33,156
But otherwise there's no noise.

1128
01:13:33,240 --> 01:13:34,823
[Lotje] No.

1129
01:13:41,032 --> 01:13:42,949
[Lotje speaking English]
Just breathe.

1130
01:13:44,241 --> 01:13:48,158
Don't panic. Let go of fear.

1131
01:14:01,742 --> 01:14:03,826
[Lotje breathing deeply]

1132
01:14:03,867 --> 01:14:06,827
Okay. I hope to be able to share with you

1133
01:14:06,910 --> 01:14:13,868
some insights from my own recovery of, um,
my intracerebral brain hemorrhage.

1134
01:14:13,952 --> 01:14:17,953
Cognition seems a very complex
and mysterious thing, um,

1135
01:14:18,036 --> 01:14:19,911
that I've tried to get my own head around.

1136
01:14:19,994 --> 01:14:23,161
So I hope I can share
some of those insights with you,

1137
01:14:23,245 --> 01:14:25,578
but I'm not sure if I can. [chuckling]

1138
01:14:26,495 --> 01:14:31,120
Um, I think one of the challenges,
probably, for therapists is to...

1139
01:14:31,204 --> 01:14:32,870
to just deal with the fact that you...

1140
01:14:32,954 --> 01:14:37,579
you know, you have to work with somebody
who is being assessed

1141
01:14:37,663 --> 01:14:40,830
and somebody who is being defined
by their limitations,

1142
01:14:40,913 --> 01:14:46,539
because that's the only way to figure out
how to make them better.

1143
01:14:46,622 --> 01:14:50,831
And I think just the experience of,
sort of, continually being defined by

1144
01:14:50,872 --> 01:14:54,331
what you can no longer do,
or how you're sort of limited,

1145
01:14:54,414 --> 01:14:57,665
becomes, I think, devastating.

1146
01:14:57,748 --> 01:15:02,665
Is there anything that you could
advise us, as therapists, um...

1147
01:15:02,748 --> 01:15:05,833
to help you get through that?

1148
01:15:05,874 --> 01:15:08,415
Or do you think there was no other way
that we could have done it,

1149
01:15:08,499 --> 01:15:10,083
but said it like it was?

1150
01:15:10,166 --> 01:15:15,375
To maybe focus on things that
a patient might find along the way.

1151
01:15:15,458 --> 01:15:20,959
[stammering] Where they're always, um,
initially defined by what they can't do,

1152
01:15:21,042 --> 01:15:24,043
they may discover something
that they weren't expecting at all,

1153
01:15:24,126 --> 01:15:27,210
which is certainly
what happened in my case.

1154
01:15:32,502 --> 01:15:35,002
Dear Mr. Lynch:

1155
01:15:35,086 --> 01:15:37,961
My name is Lotje Sodderland.

1156
01:15:39,044 --> 01:15:43,128
Almost exactly a year ago,
I had a brain hemorrhage.

1157
01:15:43,753 --> 01:15:45,878
It doesn't feel like a year,

1158
01:15:45,962 --> 01:15:50,670
'cause time has taken on
a different dimension.

1159
01:15:50,753 --> 01:15:56,504
I was trying to relearn my reading faculty
with a therapist.

1160
01:15:56,587 --> 01:15:59,337
And something struck me in those words

1161
01:15:59,420 --> 01:16:04,755
that completely changed
my experience of recovery.

1162
01:16:04,839 --> 01:16:08,005
I've learnt that I'm strong,

1163
01:16:08,089 --> 01:16:13,381
but I've also accepted my vulnerability.

1164
01:16:13,464 --> 01:16:16,923
I've learnt to focus only...

1165
01:16:19,548 --> 01:16:21,757
on what matters.

1166
01:16:21,841 --> 01:16:25,382
It just takes a very long time...

1167
01:16:26,465 --> 01:16:29,924
to get used to a new brain.

1168
01:16:30,007 --> 01:16:33,967
[recorded male voice] Please find
attached the tenancy agreement.

1169
01:16:34,050 --> 01:16:37,050
Please initial each page where prompted.

1170
01:16:37,133 --> 01:16:40,717
[Lotje]
I don't need to return to my old life.

1171
01:16:40,801 --> 01:16:44,759
This is a new existence, a new dynamic,

1172
01:16:44,843 --> 01:16:49,467
where I wasn't defined by my limitations,

1173
01:16:49,551 --> 01:16:53,385
but rather about endless possibility.

1174
01:16:54,635 --> 01:16:56,635
Thank you, Mr. Lynch.

1175
01:16:56,718 --> 01:16:59,719
-[fireworks crackling]
-[people cheering]

1176
01:17:01,886 --> 01:17:07,928
A really, really important
part of this story has been this film.

1177
01:17:09,179 --> 01:17:13,929
The film was something that was
absolutely born of necessity.

1178
01:17:14,012 --> 01:17:20,847
It's created a way for me to understand
something that's extremely complex,

1179
01:17:20,888 --> 01:17:23,429
and it's created a structure.

1180
01:17:23,513 --> 01:17:28,681
Yeah, a narrative structure
for me to understand my own story.

1181
01:17:28,764 --> 01:17:30,764
Happy face.

1182
01:17:30,848 --> 01:17:33,181
We don't really know the answers.

1183
01:17:33,265 --> 01:17:37,181
But what I can say
in this second of existence,

1184
01:17:37,265 --> 01:17:39,224
reality...

1185
01:17:39,307 --> 01:17:41,057
is only...

1186
01:17:41,849 --> 01:17:46,515
what we believe and perceive to be true.

1187
01:17:46,598 --> 01:17:49,766
That makes absolute sense to me.

1188
01:17:52,016 --> 01:17:54,267
And very little does these days.

1189
01:17:56,808 --> 01:18:00,934
Everybody loves a story.
And this is a really good one.

1190
01:18:01,017 --> 01:18:06,226
With a beginning and a very long middle,
and it will have an end.

1191
01:18:06,309 --> 01:18:09,685
The story will have an end.
The experience probably won't.

1192
01:18:18,769 --> 01:18:20,394
[indistinct conversations]

1193
01:18:30,104 --> 01:18:32,854
Hi, David. My name's Lotje Sodderland.

1194
01:18:33,770 --> 01:18:35,312
Are you Lotje Sodderland?

1195
01:18:35,395 --> 01:18:36,855
-I am.
-[audience laughing]

1196
01:18:36,938 --> 01:18:39,188
Lotje, it's so good to hear your voice.

1197
01:18:39,272 --> 01:18:45,188
I can't see you, Lotje, but I wanna say,
I loved your video letter to me.

1198
01:18:45,272 --> 01:18:47,772
And I'm very happy, as I told you,

1199
01:18:47,856 --> 01:18:50,522
that you found meditation

1200
01:18:50,605 --> 01:18:53,564
and you're enjoying it
and enjoying the benefits.

1201
01:18:53,647 --> 01:18:57,274
So, uh, what was your question
you'd like to ask tonight, Lotje?

1202
01:18:57,356 --> 01:19:00,773
I wanted to thank you, first of all,
for inviting me this evening,

1203
01:19:00,857 --> 01:19:04,857
but also for transforming my, um...

1204
01:19:04,940 --> 01:19:06,858
um, my experience.

1205
01:19:06,899 --> 01:19:12,566
Not only of a very sort of
devastating brain injury recovery,

1206
01:19:12,649 --> 01:19:17,859
but also of my sort of
perception of existence.

1207
01:19:17,942 --> 01:19:20,692
And, um... And my question to you was,

1208
01:19:20,775 --> 01:19:26,860
do you think the brain
is the engine of the mind or vice versa?

1209
01:19:27,818 --> 01:19:32,401
They say consciousness
is the driver of everything.

1210
01:19:32,484 --> 01:19:34,485
The brain is a beautiful thing.

1211
01:19:34,569 --> 01:19:39,027
And now with brain research,
they can see on the EEG machine

1212
01:19:39,111 --> 01:19:45,279
that when a person truly transcends,
they see a wondrous thing.

1213
01:19:45,361 --> 01:19:50,862
Boom! The full brain lights up.
They call it "total brain coherence."

1214
01:19:50,903 --> 01:19:54,654
And it's the only experience
in life that does that.

1215
01:19:54,737 --> 01:19:57,779
That coherence gets
more and more permanent,

1216
01:19:57,863 --> 01:20:00,445
giving rise to
higher states of consciousness,

1217
01:20:00,529 --> 01:20:06,322
and ultimately supreme enlightenment,
which is total fulfillment,

1218
01:20:06,405 --> 01:20:08,322
total liberation,

1219
01:20:08,405 --> 01:20:11,697
a state they describe as
"more than the most,"

1220
01:20:11,780 --> 01:20:13,323
living totality.

1221
01:20:15,906 --> 01:20:17,823
[slow music playing]

1222
01:20:32,575 --> 01:20:34,992
[inaudible]